Special Edition: Classic Jokes from the Late 20th Century

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight is a special tribute segment whereby we commemorate the memorable moments of life in Tanjong Katong Secondary School 1996-2000. There were countless number of jokes and unforgettable events created by members of the class of 1J, 2J, 3G, 4G, 3E and 4E. I, Koh Li Xian, thank all those who have created jokes and stupid acts that have left myself laughing his ass of most of the time. The big red machine, Kelvin Tng, God of Gamblers, Tan Liangji, Indonesian Fatty, Ferryanto, to the insane church-burning misfit, Kelvin Teo and Self Proclaimed Most Eligible Bachelor, Andy Chor are just a few names that created havoc that rocked the whole school, resulting in being named the outcasts by the principal. To pay tribute to these heroes, I shall share with you some of the greatest moments from 1996-2000.


Story 1:
Gambling in the classroom when the classes are about to go on an excursion trip. Everyone was careful and made sure nothing went wrong. Melvin was sent as a messenger to make sure no one gets caught. If there were to be any teacher who is about to walk by, he would whistle like a bird to send a signal that someone's coming. Just when the crowd was having the time of their lives on the gambling table, the discipline master was heading towards the classrooms. Melvin immediately did what he was told, and started whistling like a bird. BUT, his whistles imitating the chirping of the bird was so real that no one actually noticed it. "Well Done Boys...well done. Now all of you stand up, give me your id or buspass and stand in one line......NOW !!!!!!!!!!!" In the end Mark, Liangji and someone else were made scapegoats so they could not go to the Bukit Timah Reserve for excursion.


Story 2:
Kelvin Tng: During our O levels' history paper, we are supposed to write a short essay on how far this particular character went in order to achieve his objectives.

Koh Li Xian: So what did you write down in your answer booklet?

Kelvin Tng: 1km.



Story 3:
Teacher: Good Morning Class. Did everyone bring their workbook today? Those who did not bring please step out and stand outside the class.

Everyone brought the book except Director Tan, winner of best director award for music videos such as "Yeah Qu" and "Huo Yuan Jia", was the only one who did not bring the workbook and was forced to stand outside the class. Just when the teacher was busy focusing on writing her information on the whiteboard, Director Tan signalled his friend to pass him a water bottle. Much to his friend's bewilderment, he passed Director Tan the bottle. He took a big mouthful of water and threw the bottle back to his friend without the teacher noticing. Suddenly, Director Tan vomited out the water in dramatic fashion!! In order to get the teacher's attention, his friend shouted, "Teacher teacher, Weiheng just vomitted!!" The teacher immediately went to the aid to Director Tan.

Teacher: Are you okay, Weiheng? Come, go back to your seat and rest.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed and appreciate the classic moments of the class graduates of TKSS of 2000. The next episode will be back to normal schedules, with all your favourite jokes from your very own host. Until next time, good night.

Episode 9

Welcome to Episode 9 of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Today marks an important episode as Mark Teo is on our show. A former special guest that needed no introduction. Just before the show, we had a good meal at a nearby coffeeplace where we had chilli noodles and mayonnaise fried fritters. As usual his lips was surrounded by oily chilli stains and spots of white mayonnaise, looking ever so sloppy.


(TNA Wrestler: Abyss)




Mark Teo: Wow! This TNA wrestler looks like the wrestler from WWE, Kane. Is he Kane???

Koh Li Xian: No, He is Kane's cousin, Sugar Cane.

Breaking News: Wai Kitty won the 2007 Annual Chinese New Year Gambling Competition by banking a massive 300 dollars in barely a few hours, leaving many other competitors high and dry with heads held low. Back to you, Mr. Koh.



Koh Li Xian: Thank you News Headlines. Hey Mark, I will be going to the temple for a while. Do wait for me for a while.

Mark Teo: Why are you bringing money with you? Go temple need entrance fee?

Koh Li Xian: No, it's for donation. Actually, not anyone can go into the temple. Only people with membership card is allowed into the temple. Any products bought in the temple have 20% discount.

Mark Teo: I see. So temple inside got cell group or not?


Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show tonight. I thank Mr. Mark Teo for providing valuable opinions about Buddhism and I hope it has enlightened many of you audiences in order to reach nirvana. Until next time, Thank You for watching. Good Night.

Special Edition: Dreams

Welcome to this very special edition of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. We humans often dream, coloured or black and white, speech or silent. It often comes in the form of a pleasant dream, a nightmare, or even a dream that simply doesn't make sense. According to Cambridge dictionary, a dream is defined as a series of events or images that happen in your mind while you are sleeping. Scientifically proven, it is said that dreams are a collection of thoughts and thinkings that have occured during the day and that the mind reorganizes these thoughts while one is sleeping through dreams. On the other hand, some even say dreams are a form of prophecy that hints/advises one's destiny. Not surprisingly, I am one that gets many dreams in my sleep, more than often two to three dreams in one night, usually it all doesn't make sense. However, recent nights have produced some really creepy nightmare that I happened to be sharing with former special guest Andy Chor.

Koh Li Xian: Recently I've been having weird dreams which are pretty frightening. I had a dream about being brought back to my secondary school whereby the principal brought all the students into the school hall. She then shut down all exits, followed by an evil laughter. Then came a slimy gluey red monster and it started eating up the students. More and more of such monsters came and soon most of the students were eaten up. I was panicking, wondering what i should do. Until I thought, "this is ridiculous. How can such a thing be happening? must have been a dream...." And then I woke up.

Koh Li Xian: After I woke up, I went back to sleep immediately. This time round I had another dream. I felt like I was in somewhere in Malaysia but the area I was in is called Loyang. There were many food outlets over there but the place was relatively dirty. BUT, it has always been the case where the best delicacy is found in the dirtiest places. Me and my friends were roaming around until we arrived at one place where it was exactly like a school hall and it was selling seafood. The queue was unbelievable long and I could not believe my eyes.

Andy Chor: So what happened next?

Koh Li Xian: Then I woke up.

TV commercial: Rain is coming soon to a youtube near you. Stay tuned.

Earlier on the show, I have mentioned some dreams that I have had recently. Now, we look at what kind of dreams Andy Chor has had of late.

Koh Li Xian: So Mr. Chor, what dream did you have last night?

Andy Chor: Yeah, last night I had a dream. I was actually at Buckingham Palace meeting the Queen. Upon seeing her, I knelt down and greeted her by kissing her hand.

Andy Chor: However, the Queen said my kissing method was wrong. She then taught me the right method, but I kept doing it wrongly.

Koh Li Xian: So what happened since you keep doing it wrongly?

Andy Chor: I just kept kissing and kissing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, some people say follow your dreams and desire. Keep dreaming since it is free. Dreams are my reality. Student-eating monsters, eating at Loyang and multiple kisses to the Queen? The USA Basketball Team is called the Dream Team. Michael Jordan went to kopitiam order fried kuey teow. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian as I dig out funniest incidents happened during my secondary school days. Until next time, Happy Valentine's Day.