Uplate with Koh Li Xian triggers a phonecall conversation with regular special guest Thomas Li in the hopes of creating a serious and meaningful conversation. However, unforeseen circumstances has caused both gentlemen discussing about movies and women.
Koh Li Xian: Have you seen the maids that acted in the new movie "Curse of the Golden Flower"? Wow those maids got really huge and firm breasts, including Empress Gong Li.
Koh Li Xian: I think I should go become a surgeon, specializing in breast implants. However, what do you think about breasts that are concave?
Thomas Li: Yeah, it is a great idea. Women can now actually store things in their breasts since there is space to put things. But how to invent a bra for concave breasts?
Koh Li Xian: I don't think it is necessary. In future it may be replaced with doors for breasts with extra locks, to ensure that the things that put inside it will not be lost. In fact, during festive seasons such as Christmas, they can hang Christmas decorations and socks for Halloween, so kids can get candies off the doors without knocking on the door.
Thomas Li: Seriously, do you think what we just said can ever go into fashion? What is the purpose of having the conversation we just had?
All above mentioned material are strictly fictional. Any similar names, ideas or personnel are genuinely unintentional.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Special Edition: Mind Games for the Witty People
Welcome to The Talk Cock Show. Deepest apologies for any inconvenience caused for the delay in producing the show due to overwhelming amount of material that has been produced over the past two weeks. So much material that I was simply too lazy to host the show. Because of this, I would like to reward you, my most beloved audience, with absolutely nothing.
On December 10, 2006, the world has witnessed 3 extremely intelligent men showcasing their ability to play the famous board game: Taboo.
Scene 1:
Koh Li Xian: In movies such as The Matrix and Star Wars, there are many scenes whereby this particular form of screenplay is used, usually in fight scenes and massive destruction. Yes, yes...I hear the word effects, that's half right. Okay...in addition to the word effects, what is the opposite of ordinary, something that is not normal?
Yip Waikit: Extraordinary Effects.
Scene 2:
Shuzhen: There's this insect that is usually red and black colour.
Andy Chor Binghoe: Ladybird?
Shuzhen: Yes! You are almost there! There's another similar name to this particular insect.
And Chor Binghoe: LADYBIRDS.
Scene 3:
Yip Waikit: Okay, people do this motion while driving. Something gear.
Koh Li Xian: Change gear? Move gear? Twist gear? Stop gear?
Yip Waikit: Nono....okay. People go to work at different times. Such as a security guard, there is a morning, afternoon and also a midnight _____ ?
Koh Li Xian with an Immediate Response: Break.
Ladies and Gentlemen, One need no Albert Einstein to figure out that those 3 men, Andy Chor, Yip Waikit and myself, Koh Li Xian, are the most brainy yet entertaining people the world has ever witnessed. If you know the correct answers to the 3 different scenes, please kindly send your answers to my Viewers' Comments section. The winner with the correct answers will be given a Special Prize. Until next time, I'm Koh Li Xian. Good Night.
On December 10, 2006, the world has witnessed 3 extremely intelligent men showcasing their ability to play the famous board game: Taboo.
Scene 1:
Koh Li Xian: In movies such as The Matrix and Star Wars, there are many scenes whereby this particular form of screenplay is used, usually in fight scenes and massive destruction. Yes, yes...I hear the word effects, that's half right. Okay...in addition to the word effects, what is the opposite of ordinary, something that is not normal?
Yip Waikit: Extraordinary Effects.
Scene 2:
Shuzhen: There's this insect that is usually red and black colour.
Andy Chor Binghoe: Ladybird?
Shuzhen: Yes! You are almost there! There's another similar name to this particular insect.
And Chor Binghoe: LADYBIRDS.
Scene 3:
Yip Waikit: Okay, people do this motion while driving. Something gear.
Koh Li Xian: Change gear? Move gear? Twist gear? Stop gear?
Yip Waikit: Nono....okay. People go to work at different times. Such as a security guard, there is a morning, afternoon and also a midnight _____ ?
Koh Li Xian with an Immediate Response: Break.
Ladies and Gentlemen, One need no Albert Einstein to figure out that those 3 men, Andy Chor, Yip Waikit and myself, Koh Li Xian, are the most brainy yet entertaining people the world has ever witnessed. If you know the correct answers to the 3 different scenes, please kindly send your answers to my Viewers' Comments section. The winner with the correct answers will be given a Special Prize. Until next time, I'm Koh Li Xian. Good Night.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Episode 7
Welcome to Episode 7 of The Talk Cock Show. Tonight we welcome a man best known for his knowledge in world history, especially Chinese history. His ability to explain the story of The Three Kingdoms in detail send shivers down people's spines. Being regarded as one of the most hated personnel due to his uncanny ability to antagonize people with his creative insults of the highest calibre, he has also slowly developed the skills of talking a whole chunk of cock. His passion for The Beatles, $3 spring chicken and curry laksa ensure the fact that he never wipes his mouth after a meal, leaving behind memories on around his mouth. Please welcome The one and only, Mark Teo Wee Gin.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the Talk Cock Show. I'm sorry the interview has been delayed as I only came back from playing basketball moments ago.
Mark Teo: Do you know that according to Newton's Law, Moment = Force x Perpendicular Distance?
Mark Teo: Koh Li Xian, later can I come over your house to slack and play Three Kingdoms at your place using my own laptop?
Koh Li Xian: Yes sure. Seeing you lying on my bed motionlessly playing Three Kingdoms is as good as inviting a corpse in my house on a regular basis. Seems like my room is very police-prone, having people like you and Thomas Li come to my house and do absolutely nothing, just like corpses. Officer Barbrady may well be my best friend in the future.
Mark Teo: I was wondering, what did ancient Chinese people use to get themselves high during those ancient times. I doubt they had weed or cocaine back then.
Koh Li Xian: No they did not use weed to get themselves high. They jump around.
After the break, Mark Teo will share with us his experience while playing The Three Kingdoms PC game as I try to give him some valuable advice.
TV commercial: Want to have shiny, silky and soft hair? Use Mark Teo Wee Gin's favourite shampoo and facial wash! Music: "Ginvera.....Ginvera.....I love Ginveraaaaaa!"
Welcome back to the talk show. Before the break, Mark Teo mentions about his latest craze over his Three Kingdoms game.
Koh Li Xian: I can see that you are already playing the game even though you are on my talk show. Seems like you are so addicted to the game that you have caused people around you to be very pissed off with you. While playing mahjong, your friends help to clean the tiles, prepare drinks for you, counting chips, setting the table. And all you did was continue playing your game, expecting people to do everything for you. Worst of all, you even shouted at your friends to prepare faster. I wonder if you have any basic courtesy and morals in you. I guess both courtesy and morals have gone back in time to help you think of better strategies to help you win your game in Three Kingdoms. Or maybe they have gone to help you buy back wonton noodles just because you are simply too lazy to move your ass for dinner when all your friends are going to eat out. Claiming that you were in a rush to go home to do your homework, you ended up playing your game immediately once the mahjong session was over. Which explains why you were in a hurry. You are in a hurry to play your game, and not because of homework. I guess you really have no life.
Koh Li Xian: I can see that you are building some infrastructure in your game. What's the reason behind it?
Mark Teo: I am building my army because it is very weak.
Koh Li Xian: So why not ask them to go to the gym? Do you supply them protein shake?
Mark Teo: Sorry, I am not like Andy Chor Binghoe.
Andy Chor: Why do the buildings look so old?
Koh Li Xian: I'm sure people who live in these old buildings have cobwebs on them.
Andy Chor: No, you are wrong. They are supporters of Spiderman.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Who is Andy Chor? Who is this mystery man who abruptly interrupted the interview? Why is he linked with the gym? To find out, tune in to the next episode of.....The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Last week's trivia question: Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Answer: Because there is a Target in every corner of Afghanistan.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the Talk Cock Show. I'm sorry the interview has been delayed as I only came back from playing basketball moments ago.
Mark Teo: Do you know that according to Newton's Law, Moment = Force x Perpendicular Distance?
Mark Teo: Koh Li Xian, later can I come over your house to slack and play Three Kingdoms at your place using my own laptop?
Koh Li Xian: Yes sure. Seeing you lying on my bed motionlessly playing Three Kingdoms is as good as inviting a corpse in my house on a regular basis. Seems like my room is very police-prone, having people like you and Thomas Li come to my house and do absolutely nothing, just like corpses. Officer Barbrady may well be my best friend in the future.
Mark Teo: I was wondering, what did ancient Chinese people use to get themselves high during those ancient times. I doubt they had weed or cocaine back then.
Koh Li Xian: No they did not use weed to get themselves high. They jump around.
After the break, Mark Teo will share with us his experience while playing The Three Kingdoms PC game as I try to give him some valuable advice.
TV commercial: Want to have shiny, silky and soft hair? Use Mark Teo Wee Gin's favourite shampoo and facial wash! Music: "Ginvera.....Ginvera.....I love Ginveraaaaaa!"
Welcome back to the talk show. Before the break, Mark Teo mentions about his latest craze over his Three Kingdoms game.
Koh Li Xian: I can see that you are already playing the game even though you are on my talk show. Seems like you are so addicted to the game that you have caused people around you to be very pissed off with you. While playing mahjong, your friends help to clean the tiles, prepare drinks for you, counting chips, setting the table. And all you did was continue playing your game, expecting people to do everything for you. Worst of all, you even shouted at your friends to prepare faster. I wonder if you have any basic courtesy and morals in you. I guess both courtesy and morals have gone back in time to help you think of better strategies to help you win your game in Three Kingdoms. Or maybe they have gone to help you buy back wonton noodles just because you are simply too lazy to move your ass for dinner when all your friends are going to eat out. Claiming that you were in a rush to go home to do your homework, you ended up playing your game immediately once the mahjong session was over. Which explains why you were in a hurry. You are in a hurry to play your game, and not because of homework. I guess you really have no life.
Koh Li Xian: I can see that you are building some infrastructure in your game. What's the reason behind it?
Mark Teo: I am building my army because it is very weak.
Koh Li Xian: So why not ask them to go to the gym? Do you supply them protein shake?
Mark Teo: Sorry, I am not like Andy Chor Binghoe.
Andy Chor: Why do the buildings look so old?
Koh Li Xian: I'm sure people who live in these old buildings have cobwebs on them.
Andy Chor: No, you are wrong. They are supporters of Spiderman.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Who is Andy Chor? Who is this mystery man who abruptly interrupted the interview? Why is he linked with the gym? To find out, tune in to the next episode of.....The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Last week's trivia question: Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Answer: Because there is a Target in every corner of Afghanistan.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
The Special Request Show: MLM
Welcome to The Special Request Show. Today we will be discussing an issue that has been often been linked with money, socialising, marketing, lying, bullshitting, fake promises and most importantly.... a massive waste of time. However, I would like to take this opportunity to share my views on this allegedly money-making business by sharing a very exclusive conversation with regular guest star on the show, Mr. Thomas Li.
Multi-level marketing (MLM) (also called network marketing or NM) is a business model that combines direct marketing with franchising (Wikipedia 2006:1). The pyramid-like structure of conning money seemed like a very wise idea, but little did people know that it's a chance for people like me to get extremely creative.
Thomas Li: Hey Mr. Koh, I recently have a friend who has approached me to take some time out to listen to his business plans.
Koh Li Xian: Oh really? Tell me more about it. So who is sharing his great ambitions with you?
Thomas Li: It's Kelvin Kermit Kuah, also known as Triple K, and also known as Bye. The reason why he was called Bye is because according to friends of his, they preferred to call him Bye instead of Chee.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. A man of few words, or should i say...a man whose reaction time is as fast as a mannequin trying to say hi to window shoppers, with minimal charisma to convince people to believe that the grass is green in colour, is actually sharing a business idea with you? That's something refreshing. I say the grass is greener on the other side, even if it's in a desert.
Thomas Li: He asked me to go attend a seminar, which is something similar to MLM.
Koh Li Xian: Please pardon my ignorance, but what is MLM?
Thomas Li: It's something like network marketing.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. You are actually interested in such scams? I'd rather feed the pigs and paint myself black if I were you. At least I get to eat pork in the dark while you waste your life away watching brainless people trying to con your money.
Thomas Li: But Bye is my friend, I think I'm obliged to give him face and at least attend a seminar.
Koh Li Xian: All right. So tell me more about MLM.
Thomas Li: It's where a company tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It means MaLay Mee.
Thomas Li: Aaaahhh....
Koh Li Xian: I'm terribly sorry. Could you repeat to me what MLM is all about?
Thomas Li: Okay, I shall repeat myself again. It's a company that tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more members to increase the popularity of the company. So if every member gets another two more members, and each coughing out a sum of money as application fee, the pattern continues until the pioneers of the company actually gets to buy themselves luxurious houses and fast cars. The process continues as more products are introduced into.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It also means Mo Lan Mao (caressing pubic hair).
Koh Li Xian: Oh I'm so sorry, can you repeat to me what MLM is all about again?
Thomas Li: That's it. I'm not telling you anymore! You are obviously not listening to what I'm saying because you simply cannot be bothered with MLM. You are just buying time in order for you to think, while I explain the idea of MLM, and then you go and come up with new meanings to the term MLM.
I would like to thank Thomas Li for the special request of the MLM story to be told on The Talk Cock Show. As you audience and viewers can see, Mr. Koh Li Xian simply does not give a rat's ass about MLM...simply because it Makes Life Meaningless.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show. Please write into the show if you wish to have any special requests to be aired on the show. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian, as I leave you with this week's trivia question:
Why aren't there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?
Multi-level marketing (MLM) (also called network marketing or NM) is a business model that combines direct marketing with franchising (Wikipedia 2006:1). The pyramid-like structure of conning money seemed like a very wise idea, but little did people know that it's a chance for people like me to get extremely creative.
Thomas Li: Hey Mr. Koh, I recently have a friend who has approached me to take some time out to listen to his business plans.
Koh Li Xian: Oh really? Tell me more about it. So who is sharing his great ambitions with you?
Thomas Li: It's Kelvin Kermit Kuah, also known as Triple K, and also known as Bye. The reason why he was called Bye is because according to friends of his, they preferred to call him Bye instead of Chee.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. A man of few words, or should i say...a man whose reaction time is as fast as a mannequin trying to say hi to window shoppers, with minimal charisma to convince people to believe that the grass is green in colour, is actually sharing a business idea with you? That's something refreshing. I say the grass is greener on the other side, even if it's in a desert.
Thomas Li: He asked me to go attend a seminar, which is something similar to MLM.
Koh Li Xian: Please pardon my ignorance, but what is MLM?
Thomas Li: It's something like network marketing.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. You are actually interested in such scams? I'd rather feed the pigs and paint myself black if I were you. At least I get to eat pork in the dark while you waste your life away watching brainless people trying to con your money.
Thomas Li: But Bye is my friend, I think I'm obliged to give him face and at least attend a seminar.
Koh Li Xian: All right. So tell me more about MLM.
Thomas Li: It's where a company tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It means MaLay Mee.
Thomas Li: Aaaahhh....
Koh Li Xian: I'm terribly sorry. Could you repeat to me what MLM is all about?
Thomas Li: Okay, I shall repeat myself again. It's a company that tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more members to increase the popularity of the company. So if every member gets another two more members, and each coughing out a sum of money as application fee, the pattern continues until the pioneers of the company actually gets to buy themselves luxurious houses and fast cars. The process continues as more products are introduced into.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It also means Mo Lan Mao (caressing pubic hair).
Koh Li Xian: Oh I'm so sorry, can you repeat to me what MLM is all about again?
Thomas Li: That's it. I'm not telling you anymore! You are obviously not listening to what I'm saying because you simply cannot be bothered with MLM. You are just buying time in order for you to think, while I explain the idea of MLM, and then you go and come up with new meanings to the term MLM.
I would like to thank Thomas Li for the special request of the MLM story to be told on The Talk Cock Show. As you audience and viewers can see, Mr. Koh Li Xian simply does not give a rat's ass about MLM...simply because it Makes Life Meaningless.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show. Please write into the show if you wish to have any special requests to be aired on the show. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian, as I leave you with this week's trivia question:
Why aren't there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Special Edition: "TCS's Most Wanted"
Welcome to The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Tonight is a very unique episode in which I would like to call "TCS's Most Wanted". That's right. Talk Cock Show's Most Wanted. Not Television Corporation of Singapore's Most Wanted. It will be a show comprising of short interviews with three beautiful ladies as I seek to find out which interview is the most popular amongst viewers and audience. The winning interview will then have a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship Title. However, due to rules and regulations, the winning interview will instead be rewarded with a Super Prize.
Interview 1: Hanna Lee
Hanna Lee: So Mr. Koh, will you be watching the Blair Witch Project on TV later?
Koh Li Xian: No I will not be watching.
Hanna Lee: She'll be super disappointed you gave her a miss!
Koh Li Xian: She will not be disappointed if I gave her a miss, because her name is Miss Blair Witch. Everyone will miss her.
Hanna Lee: So that means every female on earth who is not married will be missed?
Interview 2: Jasmine Heo
Koh Li Xian: So Jasmine, have you started studying for your exams?
Jasmine Heo: Haven't started.
Koh Li Xian: Don't worry about it. You still have plenty of time to study for it.
Jasmine Heo: One more day, then I'll mug.
Koh Li Xian: Why mug? When you can choose to use a cup or a glass?
Interview 3: Cindy Chen
Cindy Chen: There is this girl who has been trying to contact me, but I don't really like her.
Koh Li Xian: Because you are a very likeable person, this girl must be quite a bitch, since she is unable to communicate with you well.
Cindy Chen: Thanks for the compliment! And so happens that she is my ex boyfriend's present.
Koh Li Xian: Wow, what a massive coincidence that she is your ex boyfriend's present. It is very amusing she can actually wrap herself in a box, tie up with a ribbon, and present herself to your previous boyfriend as a present. Merry Christmas.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the hotlines are open till Sunday midnight. Please vote for your favourite interview.
To vote for Interview 1: Call 1800-Blairwitch. That’s 1800-Blairwitch.
To vote for Interview 2: Call 1800-Studyforexams. That’s right. 1800-Studyforexams.
To vote for Interview 3: Call 1800-Thereisagirl. You got it. That’s 1800-Thereisagirl.
Calls are at 50cents per minute. Surcharges apply. Or alternatively, text “FLIRT”, followed by interview number to 1800-JenniferTookisaturdsandwich.
Vote now. Your vote counts. Your vote is important. Vote for Kinky Friedman, running as an Independent for Governor of Texas.
Interview 1: Hanna Lee
Hanna Lee: So Mr. Koh, will you be watching the Blair Witch Project on TV later?
Koh Li Xian: No I will not be watching.
Hanna Lee: She'll be super disappointed you gave her a miss!
Koh Li Xian: She will not be disappointed if I gave her a miss, because her name is Miss Blair Witch. Everyone will miss her.
Hanna Lee: So that means every female on earth who is not married will be missed?
Interview 2: Jasmine Heo
Koh Li Xian: So Jasmine, have you started studying for your exams?
Jasmine Heo: Haven't started.
Koh Li Xian: Don't worry about it. You still have plenty of time to study for it.
Jasmine Heo: One more day, then I'll mug.
Koh Li Xian: Why mug? When you can choose to use a cup or a glass?
Interview 3: Cindy Chen
Cindy Chen: There is this girl who has been trying to contact me, but I don't really like her.
Koh Li Xian: Because you are a very likeable person, this girl must be quite a bitch, since she is unable to communicate with you well.
Cindy Chen: Thanks for the compliment! And so happens that she is my ex boyfriend's present.
Koh Li Xian: Wow, what a massive coincidence that she is your ex boyfriend's present. It is very amusing she can actually wrap herself in a box, tie up with a ribbon, and present herself to your previous boyfriend as a present. Merry Christmas.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the hotlines are open till Sunday midnight. Please vote for your favourite interview.
To vote for Interview 1: Call 1800-Blairwitch. That’s 1800-Blairwitch.
To vote for Interview 2: Call 1800-Studyforexams. That’s right. 1800-Studyforexams.
To vote for Interview 3: Call 1800-Thereisagirl. You got it. That’s 1800-Thereisagirl.
Calls are at 50cents per minute. Surcharges apply. Or alternatively, text “FLIRT”, followed by interview number to 1800-JenniferTookisaturdsandwich.
Vote now. Your vote counts. Your vote is important. Vote for Kinky Friedman, running as an Independent for Governor of Texas.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Episode 6
Welcome to episode 6 of The Talk Cock Show. Today's episode will be a little different from previous episodes as the main topic we will be focusing on today is the colour Black. You have seen how black plays an imperative role in our society. Black chickens are good for your body, Black humour is good for the soul, Black marker is good for sniffing. Therefore, this evening we welcome a very special guest who is closely related to the colour Black. He has reigned undefeated champion as The Black Mumba, winning countless boxing titles in all divisions. He drives a Black Lexus IS200, loves to wear Black jumpers and most importantly.....He has Black hair. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one and only.....Glenn Perriere.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. It's a pleasure having you here. Excuse me lighting man, can we up the lights a bit? He's a bit too black to be seen.
Glenn: Yes Datok, I'm pleased to be finally on the show.
Koh Li Xian: If you did not know, me and our very own guitarist, Faiz, had a serious discussion about you. While we discussed about the ability to have our very own skill whereby Faiz wanted "The Deadly Touch", we actually gave you one skill. It's called the Shadowless Kick.
Glenn: Shadowless Kick?
Koh Li Xian: Yes. Because you are so dark that even your slowest kick cannot be seen by your opponent.
Glenn: Do you know that Royal Jelly is very good for you?
Koh Li Xian: Oh?
Glenn: My god, you don't know how good royal jelly is for your health!
Koh Li Xian: We shall now take a quick break. After the break, I will share with you a Black Joke.
Breaking News from TV Tiga: Mrs. Jennifer Took has announced to the public that she is officially becoming A Giant Douche. However, critics and punters have put their money on her to become A Turd Sandwich instead. If you wish to find out what will she become, stay tune to News 9 Tonight at 9pm.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to the show. As promised, a Black joke.
Koh Li Xian: Two Indians entered a room that has no lights. They shut the door. They were not allowed to turn on the lights and they were also not allowed to speak. So how are they to communicate?
Glenn: Teeth? Eyes? Touching each other?
Koh Li Xian: I knew it. I and guitarist, Faiz, always had our doubts about your sexuality. You are only homophobic on the outside, but actually you are a true black, I mean true blue homosexual yourself.
Koh Li Xian: They communicate with each other via infra red.
On this convulsion, I hope you have enjoyed the show as much as I do. Please tune in to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian and I hereby annouced that....Black is now officially the new Pink.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. It's a pleasure having you here. Excuse me lighting man, can we up the lights a bit? He's a bit too black to be seen.
Glenn: Yes Datok, I'm pleased to be finally on the show.
Koh Li Xian: If you did not know, me and our very own guitarist, Faiz, had a serious discussion about you. While we discussed about the ability to have our very own skill whereby Faiz wanted "The Deadly Touch", we actually gave you one skill. It's called the Shadowless Kick.
Glenn: Shadowless Kick?
Koh Li Xian: Yes. Because you are so dark that even your slowest kick cannot be seen by your opponent.
Glenn: Do you know that Royal Jelly is very good for you?
Koh Li Xian: Oh?
Glenn: My god, you don't know how good royal jelly is for your health!
Koh Li Xian: We shall now take a quick break. After the break, I will share with you a Black Joke.
Breaking News from TV Tiga: Mrs. Jennifer Took has announced to the public that she is officially becoming A Giant Douche. However, critics and punters have put their money on her to become A Turd Sandwich instead. If you wish to find out what will she become, stay tune to News 9 Tonight at 9pm.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to the show. As promised, a Black joke.
Koh Li Xian: Two Indians entered a room that has no lights. They shut the door. They were not allowed to turn on the lights and they were also not allowed to speak. So how are they to communicate?
Glenn: Teeth? Eyes? Touching each other?
Koh Li Xian: I knew it. I and guitarist, Faiz, always had our doubts about your sexuality. You are only homophobic on the outside, but actually you are a true black, I mean true blue homosexual yourself.
Koh Li Xian: They communicate with each other via infra red.
On this convulsion, I hope you have enjoyed the show as much as I do. Please tune in to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian and I hereby annouced that....Black is now officially the new Pink.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Episode 5
Welcome to episode 5 of The Talk Cock Show. Today we welcome a very special guest. A huge favourite on the show due to his ability to make me laugh at jokes that i created myself. His special ability is to leech on other people's identity and make fun of them. This shows one thing. He has zero individuality and creativity. Critics have questioned why he has become such a big hit on the big screens, especially winning the recent Star Awards, and his constant appearances on the show. I say he just simply has too much time. He recently injured his toe in a celebrity soccer match, in order to raise funs for himself. Yes, I mean for his own fun and leisure. Please welcome Thomas Li.
Koh Li Xian: So tell me Thomas, why do you have so much free time? Don't you have any work or school?
Thomas Li: Yeah, I have been skipping school.
Koh Li Xian: So, do you want me to give you some skipping ropes?
Thomas Li: Oh, no need. I have alot of rubber bands, and make it into a rope, and play with primary school girls.
Koh Li Xian: Seems like you are forgetting your childhood. That game is called zero point if you didn't know.
Koh Li Xian: After the commercial, Thomas will be sharing a very interesting story. Stay tuned.
TV commercial: Paul Simon's latest album is out now at all good CD stores. With famous hits such as "Graceland" charting the 1990s Billboards. A very recent singer best known for his songwriting ability. Get your copy now. Release Date: 1995.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to The Talk Cock Show. So Thomas, tell us about your story.
Thomas Li: There was this rat, he was waiting for his cheese to be delivered to his house.
Thomas Li: He heard the door bell and opened the door.
Thomas Li: It turned out to his good friend, the roasted pigeon.
Thomas Li: They had kopi cino and chatted all day long
Koh Li Xian: But isn't the roasted pigeon be dead already?
Thomas Li: Because there was a higher being, who dictates who lives or die.
Thomas Li: But this god was not very good in chinese.
Thomas Li: so he wrote down the lives of each person
Thomas Li: Instead of delivering the cheese, he mistakenly read out roasted pigeon to vist rat
Thomas Li: Even though he had a accident, his nest was burn down by tweedy.
Koh Li Xian: I know why he was not good with chinese that's why he did not deliver the cheese. It is because he did not know that "IN"side the cheese is actually an E.
On this paroxysm, I hope you enjoyed the show. Stay tuned to the next episode of....The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Koh Li Xian: So tell me Thomas, why do you have so much free time? Don't you have any work or school?
Thomas Li: Yeah, I have been skipping school.
Koh Li Xian: So, do you want me to give you some skipping ropes?
Thomas Li: Oh, no need. I have alot of rubber bands, and make it into a rope, and play with primary school girls.
Koh Li Xian: Seems like you are forgetting your childhood. That game is called zero point if you didn't know.
Koh Li Xian: After the commercial, Thomas will be sharing a very interesting story. Stay tuned.
TV commercial: Paul Simon's latest album is out now at all good CD stores. With famous hits such as "Graceland" charting the 1990s Billboards. A very recent singer best known for his songwriting ability. Get your copy now. Release Date: 1995.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to The Talk Cock Show. So Thomas, tell us about your story.
Thomas Li: There was this rat, he was waiting for his cheese to be delivered to his house.
Thomas Li: He heard the door bell and opened the door.
Thomas Li: It turned out to his good friend, the roasted pigeon.
Thomas Li: They had kopi cino and chatted all day long
Koh Li Xian: But isn't the roasted pigeon be dead already?
Thomas Li: Because there was a higher being, who dictates who lives or die.
Thomas Li: But this god was not very good in chinese.
Thomas Li: so he wrote down the lives of each person
Thomas Li: Instead of delivering the cheese, he mistakenly read out roasted pigeon to vist rat
Thomas Li: Even though he had a accident, his nest was burn down by tweedy.
Koh Li Xian: I know why he was not good with chinese that's why he did not deliver the cheese. It is because he did not know that "IN"side the cheese is actually an E.
On this paroxysm, I hope you enjoyed the show. Stay tuned to the next episode of....The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The Special Request Show: The Boon Tong Kee Story
By popular request, viewers have demanded for the infamous, one-and-only, the lonely one no two (独一无二).........The Boon Tong Kee story. The following photo and material contains explicit content. The Talk Cock Show advise all viewers that, only mature audiences are allowed, not for the weak of heart.
It was a Tuesday evening in May 2005, Your host, Koh Li Xian, was out with his parents to buy dinner back for his grandmother. It is a weekly family event as the Koh Family loves to eat Hainanese Chicken. Therefore, every tuesday the Kohs will go to Boon Tong Kee at East Coast Road to buy chickens home for a massive feast. Being the non-conformist himself, Koh Li Xian wanted Five-star Chicken Rice instead of Boon Tong Kee Chicken Rice because of the difference in the black sauce. As his parents went to buy, Koh Li Xian and his grandmother waited anxiously for the chickens for a homecoming. When his parents came home, Koh Li Xian was in seventh heaven. However, when he opened up the bags, he got a shock of his life. There was no Five Star Chicken Rice black sauce. "I don't believe it! I specially requested for the black sauce but Mummy you have forgotten!". He was disappointed, but he did not succumb to conformity. He drove to the shop to ask for the black sauce. But the very obnoxious cashier said "No. Unless you buy chicken from us, then we will give you the sauce". Exchanging words of fury with the cashier, he went home in flames of fury, empty-handed. Just as he step into the house, his grandmother and mother were in the midst of a fiery quarrel. Only to realise, Grandmother wanted more chilli sauce than it was given. "Mummy, we should end this quarreling and let's go ask for more chilli sauce from Boon Tong Kee." Driving back for the third time, Mummy requested for more chilli sauce. Equally obnoxious and arrogant was the Boon Tong Kee cashier, she refused to give more chilli sauce unless more chickens were bought. Mummy got absolutely livid, She went to next door and bought a Golden Pillow back (金枕头) (A humongous bread stuffed with curry chicken).
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you think the above story was true, think again.
Thank you very much for the request. If you want a special request, please let me know via the viewers' comments section. Until next time, I'm your host Koh Li Xian. Have a great weekend.
It was a Tuesday evening in May 2005, Your host, Koh Li Xian, was out with his parents to buy dinner back for his grandmother. It is a weekly family event as the Koh Family loves to eat Hainanese Chicken. Therefore, every tuesday the Kohs will go to Boon Tong Kee at East Coast Road to buy chickens home for a massive feast. Being the non-conformist himself, Koh Li Xian wanted Five-star Chicken Rice instead of Boon Tong Kee Chicken Rice because of the difference in the black sauce. As his parents went to buy, Koh Li Xian and his grandmother waited anxiously for the chickens for a homecoming. When his parents came home, Koh Li Xian was in seventh heaven. However, when he opened up the bags, he got a shock of his life. There was no Five Star Chicken Rice black sauce. "I don't believe it! I specially requested for the black sauce but Mummy you have forgotten!". He was disappointed, but he did not succumb to conformity. He drove to the shop to ask for the black sauce. But the very obnoxious cashier said "No. Unless you buy chicken from us, then we will give you the sauce". Exchanging words of fury with the cashier, he went home in flames of fury, empty-handed. Just as he step into the house, his grandmother and mother were in the midst of a fiery quarrel. Only to realise, Grandmother wanted more chilli sauce than it was given. "Mummy, we should end this quarreling and let's go ask for more chilli sauce from Boon Tong Kee." Driving back for the third time, Mummy requested for more chilli sauce. Equally obnoxious and arrogant was the Boon Tong Kee cashier, she refused to give more chilli sauce unless more chickens were bought. Mummy got absolutely livid, She went to next door and bought a Golden Pillow back (金枕头) (A humongous bread stuffed with curry chicken).
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you think the above story was true, think again.
Thank you very much for the request. If you want a special request, please let me know via the viewers' comments section. Until next time, I'm your host Koh Li Xian. Have a great weekend.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Episode 4
Welcome to episode 4 of The Talk Cock Show. Once again I'm your host Koh Li Xian. Answer for last episode's trivia question," How many battles did Thomas Li win?" Answer: Zero. Today we welcome a very popular figure in the Taiwan entertainment industry. He calls himself the Local King and he is well known to be having affairs with other celebrities. Please welcome Jacky Wu 吴宗宪!
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. Or perhaps I thank myself for watching your show. I've always been a huge admirer to your good friend Jay Chou. He has become the most popular singer in Asian music. I wish to dedicate a song to him, and it's one of his hit songs called " 开不了口".
Koh Li Xian: 没有你在我有多难熬(没有你在我有多难熬多烦恼)
Koh Li Xian: 没有你烦我有多烦恼(没有你烦我有多烦恼多难熬).
Jacky Wu: 没有你在，我都自己来(没有你在我都自己来,右手自己来).
Koh Li Xian: You sure you have affairs with other women, according to the media? It seems more likely that you are a very lonely man.
Koh Li Xian: Seems like you are more than just a famous celebrity. You are also the nephew of Bruce Lee......Lone Lee.
Koh Li Xian: We'll take a short break now. After the break, We switch our focus to a lady who had to endure much hardship upon hearing my comments at a recent live show performed at the beach.
TV commercial: Singapore promotes Shopping! So if you want to shop, you have to buy. And when you buy, you need to.....purchase it.
Welcome back to the show. Our next guest is a lady who has transformed herself into a boy. Critics have revealed that her attitude towards people makes her a true man. I say she's a true warrior indeed. Her collection of shoes has reached a point where she has to start buying the same shoes all over again. Please welcome...Hanna Lee!
Hanna Lee: It's a torture to be here. Thank you for inviting me.
Koh Li Xian: I thank you for coming. I have to tell you that my favourite food has got to be sesame.
Koh Li Xian: I crave for sesame everyday.....sesame balls....sesame paste....sesame ice cream....sesame milkshake....
Koh Li Xian: Which is why I must go to sesame street!
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. Or perhaps I thank myself for watching your show. I've always been a huge admirer to your good friend Jay Chou. He has become the most popular singer in Asian music. I wish to dedicate a song to him, and it's one of his hit songs called " 开不了口".
Koh Li Xian: 没有你在我有多难熬(没有你在我有多难熬多烦恼)
Koh Li Xian: 没有你烦我有多烦恼(没有你烦我有多烦恼多难熬).
Jacky Wu: 没有你在，我都自己来(没有你在我都自己来,右手自己来).
Koh Li Xian: You sure you have affairs with other women, according to the media? It seems more likely that you are a very lonely man.
Koh Li Xian: Seems like you are more than just a famous celebrity. You are also the nephew of Bruce Lee......Lone Lee.
Koh Li Xian: We'll take a short break now. After the break, We switch our focus to a lady who had to endure much hardship upon hearing my comments at a recent live show performed at the beach.
TV commercial: Singapore promotes Shopping! So if you want to shop, you have to buy. And when you buy, you need to.....purchase it.
Welcome back to the show. Our next guest is a lady who has transformed herself into a boy. Critics have revealed that her attitude towards people makes her a true man. I say she's a true warrior indeed. Her collection of shoes has reached a point where she has to start buying the same shoes all over again. Please welcome...Hanna Lee!
Hanna Lee: It's a torture to be here. Thank you for inviting me.
Koh Li Xian: I thank you for coming. I have to tell you that my favourite food has got to be sesame.
Koh Li Xian: I crave for sesame everyday.....sesame balls....sesame paste....sesame ice cream....sesame milkshake....
Koh Li Xian: Which is why I must go to sesame street!
On this paroxysm, I hope you enjoyed the show as much as I do. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Special Edition: Post Episode 3 backstage uncut version
After the show, Koh Li Xian bumped into office boy Gunawan, an Indonesian man with really huge nipples and being stereotyped as a gay for the past 9 years.
Koh Li Xian: Hey Gunawan, let me tell you a joke.
Gunawan: Yes?
Koh Li Xian: You are a joke.
15 minutes later at the car park, Koh Li Xian bumped into The Talk Cock Show Band acoustic guitarist Faiz, an Arab man often confused about his sexuality and a full time junkie who attempts to seek the Truth through cannabis.
Faiz: Hey, if only we had a unique individual martial arts skill within one self. I will call my skill "The Deadly Touch".
Koh Li Xian: Wow, that does sound really dangerous and deadly. I believe you are inspired by Bruce Lee's uncle.
Faiz: Why is that so?
Koh Li Xian: Because Bruce Lee's uncle is called Dead Lee.
Koh Li Xian: Hey Gunawan, let me tell you a joke.
Gunawan: Yes?
Koh Li Xian: You are a joke.
15 minutes later at the car park, Koh Li Xian bumped into The Talk Cock Show Band acoustic guitarist Faiz, an Arab man often confused about his sexuality and a full time junkie who attempts to seek the Truth through cannabis.
Faiz: Hey, if only we had a unique individual martial arts skill within one self. I will call my skill "The Deadly Touch".
Koh Li Xian: Wow, that does sound really dangerous and deadly. I believe you are inspired by Bruce Lee's uncle.
Faiz: Why is that so?
Koh Li Xian: Because Bruce Lee's uncle is called Dead Lee.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Episode 3
Welcome to episode 3 of The Talk Cock Show. I'm your host Koh Li Xian. It seems to me that previous guest appearance, Thomas Li, had more to say about himself rather than just movies only. So I welcome him back on the show tonight to see what does he have in store for us.
Thomas Li: Besides winning awards which had only me and myself in the nominations category for my recent performances, I actually went to school for my school project meeting.
Koh Li Xian: Very well. Out of my most random curiosity, what did you have for lunch in school today then? I suspect you had noodles for lunch.
Thomas Li: Oh? Why would you say so?
Koh Li Xian: Because you went to school to attend a MEEting.
Thomas Li: ......
Thomas Li: You were close! but not exactly the right answer. I had economical rice (for those who aren't Singaporeans and does not know what economical rice means? It means Zap Cai Beng).
Thomas Li: I had economical rice because my project meeting was an ECONOMICS meeting.
Koh Li Xian: I think we need a quick commercial. After the break, Thomas Li will discuss about his laziness.
TV advertisement: Jay Koh's latest single "Yeah Qu"out now at all good CD stores. Since January 2006. Plenty of stock available. Conditions apply.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to The Talk Cock Show. It seems to me that you have a problem with multitasking. Is that right?
Thomas Li: That's right. I can't seem to talk properly on the phone while playing computer games at the same time. Ends up i screw things up at both ends. However, it was said that one man can actually multitask 7 things at a time.
Koh Li Xian: I agree with that. I believe you can multitask if you want to. On many occasions you have proven to multitask very well in every day life practices. You can actually hold a Coke can while drinking it from a straw, walking or running while breathing AND opening you mouth to speak, watching tv while keeping your eyes open while scratching you neck while yawning!
Koh Li Xian: Now let's talk about you laziness. So Thomas Li, it seems like you have not been doing your school work very conscientiously.
Thomas Li: Yeah I actually needed to use my lunch break to finish up my work.
Koh Li Xian: You really suck, Thomas. I'd need to buy you a carton of Coke and plenty of straws.
Thomas Li: I like to connect the straws, make into light sabres and fight with other kids.
Koh Li Xian: A true warrior indeed. So did you win many battles?
On this paroxysm, if you wanna know how many battles did Thomas Li win, stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Thomas Li: Besides winning awards which had only me and myself in the nominations category for my recent performances, I actually went to school for my school project meeting.
Koh Li Xian: Very well. Out of my most random curiosity, what did you have for lunch in school today then? I suspect you had noodles for lunch.
Thomas Li: Oh? Why would you say so?
Koh Li Xian: Because you went to school to attend a MEEting.
Thomas Li: ......
Thomas Li: You were close! but not exactly the right answer. I had economical rice (for those who aren't Singaporeans and does not know what economical rice means? It means Zap Cai Beng).
Thomas Li: I had economical rice because my project meeting was an ECONOMICS meeting.
Koh Li Xian: I think we need a quick commercial. After the break, Thomas Li will discuss about his laziness.
TV advertisement: Jay Koh's latest single "Yeah Qu"out now at all good CD stores. Since January 2006. Plenty of stock available. Conditions apply.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to The Talk Cock Show. It seems to me that you have a problem with multitasking. Is that right?
Thomas Li: That's right. I can't seem to talk properly on the phone while playing computer games at the same time. Ends up i screw things up at both ends. However, it was said that one man can actually multitask 7 things at a time.
Koh Li Xian: I agree with that. I believe you can multitask if you want to. On many occasions you have proven to multitask very well in every day life practices. You can actually hold a Coke can while drinking it from a straw, walking or running while breathing AND opening you mouth to speak, watching tv while keeping your eyes open while scratching you neck while yawning!
Koh Li Xian: Now let's talk about you laziness. So Thomas Li, it seems like you have not been doing your school work very conscientiously.
Thomas Li: Yeah I actually needed to use my lunch break to finish up my work.
Koh Li Xian: You really suck, Thomas. I'd need to buy you a carton of Coke and plenty of straws.
Thomas Li: I like to connect the straws, make into light sabres and fight with other kids.
Koh Li Xian: A true warrior indeed. So did you win many battles?
On this paroxysm, if you wanna know how many battles did Thomas Li win, stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Episode 2
Welcome to The Talk Cock Show. I'm your host Koh Li Xian. Today we welcome a very special guest. He has been on the headlines on numerous occasions for his brilliant album cover editing skills and contributed tremendously in the publishing of pop star Jay Koh's music videos. Recently, he was also awarded both Best Male Actor in Short Films Category for his role in "Two Men Two Women" and Best Supporting Actor in Music Videos for his role in Jay Koh's music video "Huo Yuan Jia" in the recent 2006 Star (天煞孤星) Awards. (The one and only nomination in both categories up for awards). I think we need no introduction to due to his massive popularity. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Thomas Li !
Thomas Li: It's a pleasure to be on this highly-rated show. I appreciate you having me on this show.
Koh Li Xian: You are most welcome. So tell me, Have you watched the recent blockbuster movie "The Departed" ?
Thomas Li: No, I have not, but i heard it's from a famous Hong Kong"Infernal Affairs". I believe there was a trilogy to this movie.
Koh Li Xian: That is correct. I'm sure you have close relations with Martin Scorsese due to your rise to stardom of late. Tell us what will be the titles to the next 2 sequels.
Thomas Li: The first movie will be called "The Departed". The second movie will be called "The Transit". The third movie will be called "The Arrival."
Koh Li Xian: Very well. I actually thought The first movie will be called "The Departed". The
second movie will be called "The Arrival". The third movie will be called " The Budget Terminal".
On this bombshell, stay tuned for the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. I'm Koh Li Xian.
Thomas Li: It's a pleasure to be on this highly-rated show. I appreciate you having me on this show.
Koh Li Xian: You are most welcome. So tell me, Have you watched the recent blockbuster movie "The Departed" ?
Thomas Li: No, I have not, but i heard it's from a famous Hong Kong"Infernal Affairs". I believe there was a trilogy to this movie.
Koh Li Xian: That is correct. I'm sure you have close relations with Martin Scorsese due to your rise to stardom of late. Tell us what will be the titles to the next 2 sequels.
Thomas Li: The first movie will be called "The Departed". The second movie will be called "The Transit". The third movie will be called "The Arrival."
Koh Li Xian: Very well. I actually thought The first movie will be called "The Departed". The
second movie will be called "The Arrival". The third movie will be called " The Budget Terminal".
On this bombshell, stay tuned for the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. I'm Koh Li Xian.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Welcome to The Next Cock Thing in Town.
Welcome to The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. If you think you are going to have a good time laughing at this blog, you are wrong. Why? Because 100% of the time, you probably won't understand what I am typing. For example, what's Lee Kuan Yew's favourite pastime hobby? Answer: Urinating. Why? Because he likes to YEWrinate. Excuse me SM Lee, can you do me favour? Can you take the letter "L" out of the word flavour?
On this bombshell, stay tuned to the next episode of... The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
On this bombshell, stay tuned to the next episode of... The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
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