Welcome to Episode 7 of The Talk Cock Show. Tonight we welcome a man best known for his knowledge in world history, especially Chinese history. His ability to explain the story of The Three Kingdoms in detail send shivers down people's spines. Being regarded as one of the most hated personnel due to his uncanny ability to antagonize people with his creative insults of the highest calibre, he has also slowly developed the skills of talking a whole chunk of cock. His passion for The Beatles, $3 spring chicken and curry laksa ensure the fact that he never wipes his mouth after a meal, leaving behind memories on around his mouth. Please welcome The one and only, Mark Teo Wee Gin.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the Talk Cock Show. I'm sorry the interview has been delayed as I only came back from playing basketball moments ago.
Mark Teo: Do you know that according to Newton's Law, Moment = Force x Perpendicular Distance?
Mark Teo: Koh Li Xian, later can I come over your house to slack and play Three Kingdoms at your place using my own laptop?
Koh Li Xian: Yes sure. Seeing you lying on my bed motionlessly playing Three Kingdoms is as good as inviting a corpse in my house on a regular basis. Seems like my room is very police-prone, having people like you and Thomas Li come to my house and do absolutely nothing, just like corpses. Officer Barbrady may well be my best friend in the future.
Mark Teo: I was wondering, what did ancient Chinese people use to get themselves high during those ancient times. I doubt they had weed or cocaine back then.
Koh Li Xian: No they did not use weed to get themselves high. They jump around.
After the break, Mark Teo will share with us his experience while playing The Three Kingdoms PC game as I try to give him some valuable advice.
TV commercial: Want to have shiny, silky and soft hair? Use Mark Teo Wee Gin's favourite shampoo and facial wash! Music: "Ginvera.....Ginvera.....I love Ginveraaaaaa!"
Welcome back to the talk show. Before the break, Mark Teo mentions about his latest craze over his Three Kingdoms game.
Koh Li Xian: I can see that you are already playing the game even though you are on my talk show. Seems like you are so addicted to the game that you have caused people around you to be very pissed off with you. While playing mahjong, your friends help to clean the tiles, prepare drinks for you, counting chips, setting the table. And all you did was continue playing your game, expecting people to do everything for you. Worst of all, you even shouted at your friends to prepare faster. I wonder if you have any basic courtesy and morals in you. I guess both courtesy and morals have gone back in time to help you think of better strategies to help you win your game in Three Kingdoms. Or maybe they have gone to help you buy back wonton noodles just because you are simply too lazy to move your ass for dinner when all your friends are going to eat out. Claiming that you were in a rush to go home to do your homework, you ended up playing your game immediately once the mahjong session was over. Which explains why you were in a hurry. You are in a hurry to play your game, and not because of homework. I guess you really have no life.
Koh Li Xian: I can see that you are building some infrastructure in your game. What's the reason behind it?
Mark Teo: I am building my army because it is very weak.
Koh Li Xian: So why not ask them to go to the gym? Do you supply them protein shake?
Mark Teo: Sorry, I am not like Andy Chor Binghoe.
Andy Chor: Why do the buildings look so old?
Koh Li Xian: I'm sure people who live in these old buildings have cobwebs on them.
Andy Chor: No, you are wrong. They are supporters of Spiderman.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Who is Andy Chor? Who is this mystery man who abruptly interrupted the interview? Why is he linked with the gym? To find out, tune in to the next episode of.....The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian.
Last week's trivia question: Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Answer: Because there is a Target in every corner of Afghanistan.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
The Special Request Show: MLM
Welcome to The Special Request Show. Today we will be discussing an issue that has been often been linked with money, socialising, marketing, lying, bullshitting, fake promises and most importantly.... a massive waste of time. However, I would like to take this opportunity to share my views on this allegedly money-making business by sharing a very exclusive conversation with regular guest star on the show, Mr. Thomas Li.
Multi-level marketing (MLM) (also called network marketing or NM) is a business model that combines direct marketing with franchising (Wikipedia 2006:1). The pyramid-like structure of conning money seemed like a very wise idea, but little did people know that it's a chance for people like me to get extremely creative.
Thomas Li: Hey Mr. Koh, I recently have a friend who has approached me to take some time out to listen to his business plans.
Koh Li Xian: Oh really? Tell me more about it. So who is sharing his great ambitions with you?
Thomas Li: It's Kelvin Kermit Kuah, also known as Triple K, and also known as Bye. The reason why he was called Bye is because according to friends of his, they preferred to call him Bye instead of Chee.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. A man of few words, or should i say...a man whose reaction time is as fast as a mannequin trying to say hi to window shoppers, with minimal charisma to convince people to believe that the grass is green in colour, is actually sharing a business idea with you? That's something refreshing. I say the grass is greener on the other side, even if it's in a desert.
Thomas Li: He asked me to go attend a seminar, which is something similar to MLM.
Koh Li Xian: Please pardon my ignorance, but what is MLM?
Thomas Li: It's something like network marketing.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. You are actually interested in such scams? I'd rather feed the pigs and paint myself black if I were you. At least I get to eat pork in the dark while you waste your life away watching brainless people trying to con your money.
Thomas Li: But Bye is my friend, I think I'm obliged to give him face and at least attend a seminar.
Koh Li Xian: All right. So tell me more about MLM.
Thomas Li: It's where a company tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It means MaLay Mee.
Thomas Li: Aaaahhh....
Koh Li Xian: I'm terribly sorry. Could you repeat to me what MLM is all about?
Thomas Li: Okay, I shall repeat myself again. It's a company that tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more members to increase the popularity of the company. So if every member gets another two more members, and each coughing out a sum of money as application fee, the pattern continues until the pioneers of the company actually gets to buy themselves luxurious houses and fast cars. The process continues as more products are introduced into.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It also means Mo Lan Mao (caressing pubic hair).
Koh Li Xian: Oh I'm so sorry, can you repeat to me what MLM is all about again?
Thomas Li: That's it. I'm not telling you anymore! You are obviously not listening to what I'm saying because you simply cannot be bothered with MLM. You are just buying time in order for you to think, while I explain the idea of MLM, and then you go and come up with new meanings to the term MLM.
I would like to thank Thomas Li for the special request of the MLM story to be told on The Talk Cock Show. As you audience and viewers can see, Mr. Koh Li Xian simply does not give a rat's ass about MLM...simply because it Makes Life Meaningless.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show. Please write into the show if you wish to have any special requests to be aired on the show. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian, as I leave you with this week's trivia question:
Why aren't there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?
Multi-level marketing (MLM) (also called network marketing or NM) is a business model that combines direct marketing with franchising (Wikipedia 2006:1). The pyramid-like structure of conning money seemed like a very wise idea, but little did people know that it's a chance for people like me to get extremely creative.
Thomas Li: Hey Mr. Koh, I recently have a friend who has approached me to take some time out to listen to his business plans.
Koh Li Xian: Oh really? Tell me more about it. So who is sharing his great ambitions with you?
Thomas Li: It's Kelvin Kermit Kuah, also known as Triple K, and also known as Bye. The reason why he was called Bye is because according to friends of his, they preferred to call him Bye instead of Chee.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. A man of few words, or should i say...a man whose reaction time is as fast as a mannequin trying to say hi to window shoppers, with minimal charisma to convince people to believe that the grass is green in colour, is actually sharing a business idea with you? That's something refreshing. I say the grass is greener on the other side, even if it's in a desert.
Thomas Li: He asked me to go attend a seminar, which is something similar to MLM.
Koh Li Xian: Please pardon my ignorance, but what is MLM?
Thomas Li: It's something like network marketing.
Koh Li Xian: Wow. You are actually interested in such scams? I'd rather feed the pigs and paint myself black if I were you. At least I get to eat pork in the dark while you waste your life away watching brainless people trying to con your money.
Thomas Li: But Bye is my friend, I think I'm obliged to give him face and at least attend a seminar.
Koh Li Xian: All right. So tell me more about MLM.
Thomas Li: It's where a company tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It means MaLay Mee.
Thomas Li: Aaaahhh....
Koh Li Xian: I'm terribly sorry. Could you repeat to me what MLM is all about?
Thomas Li: Okay, I shall repeat myself again. It's a company that tries to sell products to customers by convincing them the benefits of using the products. Whilst doing that, the company builds on its reputation by gaining more members to increase the popularity of the company. So if every member gets another two more members, and each coughing out a sum of money as application fee, the pattern continues until the pioneers of the company actually gets to buy themselves luxurious houses and fast cars. The process continues as more products are introduced into.....
Koh Li Xian: Oh I Know!!!!! I know what MLM means....It also means Mo Lan Mao (caressing pubic hair).
Koh Li Xian: Oh I'm so sorry, can you repeat to me what MLM is all about again?
Thomas Li: That's it. I'm not telling you anymore! You are obviously not listening to what I'm saying because you simply cannot be bothered with MLM. You are just buying time in order for you to think, while I explain the idea of MLM, and then you go and come up with new meanings to the term MLM.
I would like to thank Thomas Li for the special request of the MLM story to be told on The Talk Cock Show. As you audience and viewers can see, Mr. Koh Li Xian simply does not give a rat's ass about MLM...simply because it Makes Life Meaningless.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show. Please write into the show if you wish to have any special requests to be aired on the show. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian, as I leave you with this week's trivia question:
Why aren't there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Special Edition: "TCS's Most Wanted"
Welcome to The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Tonight is a very unique episode in which I would like to call "TCS's Most Wanted". That's right. Talk Cock Show's Most Wanted. Not Television Corporation of Singapore's Most Wanted. It will be a show comprising of short interviews with three beautiful ladies as I seek to find out which interview is the most popular amongst viewers and audience. The winning interview will then have a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship Title. However, due to rules and regulations, the winning interview will instead be rewarded with a Super Prize.
Interview 1: Hanna Lee
Hanna Lee: So Mr. Koh, will you be watching the Blair Witch Project on TV later?
Koh Li Xian: No I will not be watching.
Hanna Lee: She'll be super disappointed you gave her a miss!
Koh Li Xian: She will not be disappointed if I gave her a miss, because her name is Miss Blair Witch. Everyone will miss her.
Hanna Lee: So that means every female on earth who is not married will be missed?
Interview 2: Jasmine Heo
Koh Li Xian: So Jasmine, have you started studying for your exams?
Jasmine Heo: Haven't started.
Koh Li Xian: Don't worry about it. You still have plenty of time to study for it.
Jasmine Heo: One more day, then I'll mug.
Koh Li Xian: Why mug? When you can choose to use a cup or a glass?
Interview 3: Cindy Chen
Cindy Chen: There is this girl who has been trying to contact me, but I don't really like her.
Koh Li Xian: Because you are a very likeable person, this girl must be quite a bitch, since she is unable to communicate with you well.
Cindy Chen: Thanks for the compliment! And so happens that she is my ex boyfriend's present.
Koh Li Xian: Wow, what a massive coincidence that she is your ex boyfriend's present. It is very amusing she can actually wrap herself in a box, tie up with a ribbon, and present herself to your previous boyfriend as a present. Merry Christmas.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the hotlines are open till Sunday midnight. Please vote for your favourite interview.
To vote for Interview 1: Call 1800-Blairwitch. That’s 1800-Blairwitch.
To vote for Interview 2: Call 1800-Studyforexams. That’s right. 1800-Studyforexams.
To vote for Interview 3: Call 1800-Thereisagirl. You got it. That’s 1800-Thereisagirl.
Calls are at 50cents per minute. Surcharges apply. Or alternatively, text “FLIRT”, followed by interview number to 1800-JenniferTookisaturdsandwich.
Vote now. Your vote counts. Your vote is important. Vote for Kinky Friedman, running as an Independent for Governor of Texas.
Interview 1: Hanna Lee
Hanna Lee: So Mr. Koh, will you be watching the Blair Witch Project on TV later?
Koh Li Xian: No I will not be watching.
Hanna Lee: She'll be super disappointed you gave her a miss!
Koh Li Xian: She will not be disappointed if I gave her a miss, because her name is Miss Blair Witch. Everyone will miss her.
Hanna Lee: So that means every female on earth who is not married will be missed?
Interview 2: Jasmine Heo
Koh Li Xian: So Jasmine, have you started studying for your exams?
Jasmine Heo: Haven't started.
Koh Li Xian: Don't worry about it. You still have plenty of time to study for it.
Jasmine Heo: One more day, then I'll mug.
Koh Li Xian: Why mug? When you can choose to use a cup or a glass?
Interview 3: Cindy Chen
Cindy Chen: There is this girl who has been trying to contact me, but I don't really like her.
Koh Li Xian: Because you are a very likeable person, this girl must be quite a bitch, since she is unable to communicate with you well.
Cindy Chen: Thanks for the compliment! And so happens that she is my ex boyfriend's present.
Koh Li Xian: Wow, what a massive coincidence that she is your ex boyfriend's present. It is very amusing she can actually wrap herself in a box, tie up with a ribbon, and present herself to your previous boyfriend as a present. Merry Christmas.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the hotlines are open till Sunday midnight. Please vote for your favourite interview.
To vote for Interview 1: Call 1800-Blairwitch. That’s 1800-Blairwitch.
To vote for Interview 2: Call 1800-Studyforexams. That’s right. 1800-Studyforexams.
To vote for Interview 3: Call 1800-Thereisagirl. You got it. That’s 1800-Thereisagirl.
Calls are at 50cents per minute. Surcharges apply. Or alternatively, text “FLIRT”, followed by interview number to 1800-JenniferTookisaturdsandwich.
Vote now. Your vote counts. Your vote is important. Vote for Kinky Friedman, running as an Independent for Governor of Texas.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Episode 6
Welcome to episode 6 of The Talk Cock Show. Today's episode will be a little different from previous episodes as the main topic we will be focusing on today is the colour Black. You have seen how black plays an imperative role in our society. Black chickens are good for your body, Black humour is good for the soul, Black marker is good for sniffing. Therefore, this evening we welcome a very special guest who is closely related to the colour Black. He has reigned undefeated champion as The Black Mumba, winning countless boxing titles in all divisions. He drives a Black Lexus IS200, loves to wear Black jumpers and most importantly.....He has Black hair. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one and only.....Glenn Perriere.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. It's a pleasure having you here. Excuse me lighting man, can we up the lights a bit? He's a bit too black to be seen.
Glenn: Yes Datok, I'm pleased to be finally on the show.
Koh Li Xian: If you did not know, me and our very own guitarist, Faiz, had a serious discussion about you. While we discussed about the ability to have our very own skill whereby Faiz wanted "The Deadly Touch", we actually gave you one skill. It's called the Shadowless Kick.
Glenn: Shadowless Kick?
Koh Li Xian: Yes. Because you are so dark that even your slowest kick cannot be seen by your opponent.
Glenn: Do you know that Royal Jelly is very good for you?
Koh Li Xian: Oh?
Glenn: My god, you don't know how good royal jelly is for your health!
Koh Li Xian: We shall now take a quick break. After the break, I will share with you a Black Joke.
Breaking News from TV Tiga: Mrs. Jennifer Took has announced to the public that she is officially becoming A Giant Douche. However, critics and punters have put their money on her to become A Turd Sandwich instead. If you wish to find out what will she become, stay tune to News 9 Tonight at 9pm.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to the show. As promised, a Black joke.
Koh Li Xian: Two Indians entered a room that has no lights. They shut the door. They were not allowed to turn on the lights and they were also not allowed to speak. So how are they to communicate?
Glenn: Teeth? Eyes? Touching each other?
Koh Li Xian: I knew it. I and guitarist, Faiz, always had our doubts about your sexuality. You are only homophobic on the outside, but actually you are a true black, I mean true blue homosexual yourself.
Koh Li Xian: They communicate with each other via infra red.
On this convulsion, I hope you have enjoyed the show as much as I do. Please tune in to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian and I hereby annouced that....Black is now officially the new Pink.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. It's a pleasure having you here. Excuse me lighting man, can we up the lights a bit? He's a bit too black to be seen.
Glenn: Yes Datok, I'm pleased to be finally on the show.
Koh Li Xian: If you did not know, me and our very own guitarist, Faiz, had a serious discussion about you. While we discussed about the ability to have our very own skill whereby Faiz wanted "The Deadly Touch", we actually gave you one skill. It's called the Shadowless Kick.
Glenn: Shadowless Kick?
Koh Li Xian: Yes. Because you are so dark that even your slowest kick cannot be seen by your opponent.
Glenn: Do you know that Royal Jelly is very good for you?
Koh Li Xian: Oh?
Glenn: My god, you don't know how good royal jelly is for your health!
Koh Li Xian: We shall now take a quick break. After the break, I will share with you a Black Joke.
Breaking News from TV Tiga: Mrs. Jennifer Took has announced to the public that she is officially becoming A Giant Douche. However, critics and punters have put their money on her to become A Turd Sandwich instead. If you wish to find out what will she become, stay tune to News 9 Tonight at 9pm.
Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to the show. As promised, a Black joke.
Koh Li Xian: Two Indians entered a room that has no lights. They shut the door. They were not allowed to turn on the lights and they were also not allowed to speak. So how are they to communicate?
Glenn: Teeth? Eyes? Touching each other?
Koh Li Xian: I knew it. I and guitarist, Faiz, always had our doubts about your sexuality. You are only homophobic on the outside, but actually you are a true black, I mean true blue homosexual yourself.
Koh Li Xian: They communicate with each other via infra red.
On this convulsion, I hope you have enjoyed the show as much as I do. Please tune in to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian and I hereby annouced that....Black is now officially the new Pink.
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