Episode 19: Cinema Studies

Welcome to The Talk Cock Show. Tonight, we re-welcome Glenn Perreire, a hot favourite special guest on the interview previously on Episode Black. He has achieved success in many aspects: Quiting smoking....on some days, a great Zelda player and successfully plagiarized countless essays. Tonight we will be talking about his past experiences at the movies and some of his understandings about cinema studies.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to the show. What coffee would you like to drink?

Glenn: I'd like a flat white please. After the adrenaline I had last night from all the alcohol and partying, I feel like food i eat now taste damn flat.

Koh Li Xian: But I thought you ordered a flat white?

Koh Li Xian: Anyway....on another note. Tell me about something that you have encountered at the movies.

Glenn: I was at the movies with my girlfriend. And there was an obnoxious guy talking loudly in front of me. I was so annoyed. I told him to keep quiet.

Glenn: He ignored me. Fine. He continued talking loudly. I could not take it. I stood up and told him to "get the fuck out if you wanna keep talking".

Glenn: He stood up. And he actually threw his popcorn at me.

Glenn: The worst part is....he threw salty popcorn at me!!! If it's sweet popcorn, it's all right.

Koh Li Xian: ..................

After the break, we will continue our chat with Glenn on recent movies that he has watched lately.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to the show. Few weeks back, we watched a Thai movie called "Bangkok Dangerous".

Koh Li Xian: I didn't know it was a quite an arthouse film rather than an action-packed movie that I expected it to be.

Andre: The movie doesn't seem very dangerous leh.

Koh Li Xian: Well it's not THAT dangerous.......but you can SENSE the danger was there.

Glenn: Well, at least it is honest about it lah.

Koh Li Xian: Hmmmmm.

Koh Li Xian: We also watched the movie "Carrie" recently. What are your thoughts? I think that....Carrie can never be destroyed!

Koh Li Xian: The only solution is to make Carrie fight........Bruce Willis.

Glenn: Why Bruce Willis?

Koh Li Xian: Because he can never die in Die Hard!

Koh Li Xian: You have to find someone who cannot die to kill Carrie. Undead Vs Undead.

Glenn: But Bruce Willis is not undead! He just.......Died.....Hard.





BRUCE WILLIS VS CARRIE


On this kablooey, thank you for tuning in to the show. Until next time, Good Night.

Special Edition: For Marijuana, Wee'd fly da Tijuana

Welcome to a very special edition of The Talk Cock Show With Koh Li Xian. Today we will be talking about a very important issue: Marijuana. Some say it's illegal, some say it's harmful, some say it makes one stupid and some even say it's a waste of money. Well I say Fuck it. It has created one of the most interesting conversation created by weed..I mean We, humans.

Faiz: So you see Global Warming is full of bullshit.

Glenn: So you see humans are actually the lowest form of living thing in this world. Creating havoc and all to mother nature. And I say Mother Nature tells humans to just...Fuck it.

Koh Li Xian: Exactly. Mother Nature says Fuck it to us. BUT! She actually want us.....to smoke her.

Koh Li Xian: Think about it. The reason why animals are higher form of living things is because they are With Mother Nature. We humans are not. We WEEED to BE with Mother Nature. I mean NEED to be with Mother Nature.

Faiz: That's right. That's why Mother Nature and Humans should have a ????????

Faiz and Koh Li Xian: A JOINT venture !!!!

Faiz: It's happening already. Technology has already shown how this is possible by creating ????

Faiz and Koh Li Xian: I-POT !!!!!

Thank you for tuning in to The Show. Smokey Tong and Chillaxation times with Koh Li Xian will be continued..... In the meantime, stay tuned. Good Night.

Episode 18: Living in Generation Mute.

Good Evening. Welcome to The Talk Cock Show. Tonight we look to discover how sounds...audio...the art of hearing has become such an important aspect to our daily lives. From the ghettos of Jamaican Reggae to the soapy love songs of Taiwan music (which very often start songs with either guitar or piano tunes), the absence of lyrics is as good as making one chew pills and keep the residue under the tongue while pouring cherry-ade into the openings of the ear and letting it flow out through your pores. However, sometimes being mute isn't that bad after all. So tonight, we look at 2 different issues that was brought up over the past week on the positive and negative aspect of mute.



Positive

Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show, Sufern. I am really curious where have all the japanese students gone to in our university? I can't see any japanese people around in school except for those really cute jap girls working at the sushi place.

Koh Li Xian: However, my japanese friend told me there are actually quite alot of Japanese in school. I don't get it!

Sufern: There are.

Koh Li Xian: But you just can't seem to see them!

Sufern: They are very closely knitted as well. My officemate always go to japanese picnics, japanese outings, and japanese dinners.

Koh Li Xian: That's what I thought as well. Maybe I should disguise as a japanese and blend in with them.

Sufern: But you do not speak the language.

Koh Li Xian: I will say that I am a mute Japanese.



Negative

Andre: Oei. Why your trance songs that you give me all so talkative one ah?

Andre: Your songs are talking too much to me man. I'm going mad.

Koh Li Xian: You are damn whiny can!? I give you a mixture of trance and vocal trance cos' I thought you might like them.

Andre: I think I shall call them Talkative Trance.

Koh Li Xian: That's why it's called Vocal Trance. Not Mute Trance.



On this mute print, thank you for tuning in to the show. Before I go, remember. You can tune in to The Talk Cock Show on mute. Until next time, Good Night.

Episode 17

Welcome to Episode 17 of the Talk Cock Show. Recently your host and Thomas Li has been engaging in some really interesting conversations that's related to communicative interaction with animals. Have you ever wondered how do animals communicate? No proper language, some animals bark....some animals chirp...some animals croak....while some do not even make any sound. Well tonight, we shall explore the world of animal communication....something i like to call......."Episode 17".

Koh Li Xian: Welcome to The Talk Show. I can see that you wanna talk about paper cranes today.

Thomas Li: My friend/colleague recently gave me a card and some paper cranes, sort of a farewell gift for her end of her internship.

Koh Li Xian: Wow, that is very sweet of her. I wonder how is it like to put a paper crane inside a bird cage?

Thomas Li: Yeahh...everyday must put food and water inside the cage for the crane.

Koh Li Xian: I will take it out everyday in the morning, join the old men at the nearby park where they hang their cages at the park, share our experiences about having pet birds, admiring their chirping voices in the cool morning breeze.

Koh Li Xian: When one day I decide to let the paper crane free, I shall go to the top of the building, open up the cage and give the crane freedom. "Fly!! Go as far as you can!! Don't ever come back!! Go look for your happiness and join other birds and explore the world!!"



(Green coloured crane in a bird cage)


Ladies and gentlemen, we have a surprise guest tonight. Please welcome......Ching.

Koh Li Xian: speaking to himself "I am sooo not in normal condition duuuuddee."

Ching: Do you know the frozen yoghurt from that store is really good? Especially the mango one.

Koh Li Xian: Oh Really? Where?

(There is only 1 ice-cream yoghurt store in Union House- Melbourne Uni canteen)

Ching: Maybe I should go and buy some now and let you try.

Koh Li Xian: But why would you wanna eat frozen donuts?

On this aberrance, thank you for tuning in to the show. I understand we have requests for part 2 of The Story of Li Xian and the boxer story. Recent phenomenal encounters with nature's green has caused much delay to the Talk Show. Do stay tune to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Good Night.

Episode 16

Welcome to Episode 16 of The Talk Cock Show. Today we welcome a guest, who on Episode 9 made a sloppy impact on the show. He is also notoriously known for his uncanny ability to remember history, European, China, Mongolian, Singapore and even chinese serial dramas on SBC in the 90s. Please welcome Mark Teo.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the Talk Show. I have always been very impressed with your ability to remember so many SBC dramas' plots and theme songs. I think I shall now Call You.....................the King of SBC drama.

Mark Teo: 9068****. My phone number.

Koh Li Xian: No no, not as in call you to telephone you...I mean, naming you as King of SBC drama.

Koh Li Xian: Anyway, I am actually writing on a cultural essay about infernal affairs/The Departed.

Mark Teo: Stupid. Conclusion for the movies: everyone died, by bullets in the head.

Koh Li Xian: No No, I am not writing the story plots. I am writing something else that use both films as examples.

Mark Teo: So what are you writing about?

Koh Li Xian: Something about globalization of popular culture.

Mark Teo: Oooh, grey area. What the hell does globalization have to do with the movies?

Koh Li Xian: You can say something about an Asian film going to Hollywood. Cross-culture.

Mark Teo: Yah, the sex scene in The Departed is more steamy. There's more sex going on in The Departed.

Mark Teo: Infernal Affairs trying to act serious, but they are actually very horny.

Koh Li Xian: Wow, you analyzed the films even better than me.

Mark Teo: Imagine Kelly Chen and Leonardo DiCaprio............Niiiiicccceeeeeeeeeee.

Koh Li Xian: Okay okay....enough...

Mark Teo: Cross mating.

Breaking News: Most Eligible Bachelor Andy Chor Binghoe has just released his first single, a remake of Frank Sinatra and Michael Buble's "A Foggy Day". To order his mp3 online, please leave me your e-mail address and contact number. Costs 6cents per download. Each sold separately. All Rights Reserved.


(Picture: A Foggy Day In London Town)


Thank you for tuning in to the Talk Show. Remember, the song is limited edition. While stock last. Each sold separately. First 50 customers receive a free bonus clip from Andy Chor Binghoe's latest album. Until next time, Good Night.

Episode 15

Welcome to episode 15 of The Talk Cock Show. I have recently reunited with a couple of good friends and had some really good time laughing at the most meaningless jokes. One of the contributors to these jokes was a man called Waikit. Allegedly weighing close to 0.1 ton, with features of a cat, silky long hair of a Pantene cover girl, this man is no ordinary human being. He crushed my autograph poster with an unstoppable stomp, which I can never ever forgive and forget. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome......Waikit.

Koh Li Xian: Thank you for coming to the show. It would be great if we can have dinner together some time with the other guys as well, what do you think?

Waikit: Oh man, I have to work overtime this week as my company is in need of manpower now.

Koh Li Xian: Why don't you try protesting? You are not obliged to work overtime anyway.

Koh Li Xian: I tell you, go look for your superior and tell him, " I refuse to work overtime! If you still insist on me working overtime, I shall not leave the office !!!"

After the break, regular talk show guest Thomas Li will share with us a very interesting fact and both Thomas Li and Waikit having a very exclusive interview conversation.



Koh Li Xian: Thomas, I feel so lazy nowadays, I feel like lying on the bed and not do anything at all even though I know I have things to do.

Thomas Li : That's okay I think, at least it is better than wanting to do something but has nothing to do.

Koh Li Xian: But I really cannot help myself....I just want to laze around.

Thomas Li: If you are not feeling like you want to do something but there is nothing you can do, but more like having things to do but you do not want to do......Then there is nothing you can do about it.


(Interrupting conversation)

Thomas: Oh yeah, a few years back, former WWE wrestling superstar Perry Saturn was shot 3 times in the neck while trying to stop an attempted rape and he didn't realize it until he went to see a doctor regarding a burning sensation in his neck.

Weiheng: Wow, and he never die?

Thomas: He still wrestles a bit nowadays.

Waikit, joining the conversation: What? Paris Hilton got shot 3 times in the neck?

On this rupture, thank you fortuning in to the show. Until next time.......Good Night.

Episode 14

Welcome to episode 14 of The Talk Cock Show. Before I start the show, many thanks to those who have voiced their positive opinions of my shit. I understand it was a whole lot of shit and that shit ain't gonna be over until I shit on more shit. Tonight we welcome a special guest that has been on the show far more often than anybody else.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. Tell us what happened recently that has got to do with your cat.

Thomas Li: Oh yes, recently my brother's friends asked him what name did he give for his pet cat.

Thomas Li: Many of his friends waited anxiously for the perfect name that will suit the cat.

Koh Li Xian: The male cat behaves like a female, struts and walks as if he is on a fashion show, doing a catwalk. In addition, his slutty personality had made him engaged in many lost battles with other cats, not only did he lose in shame, he even shitted and pee-ed on the same spot where he was beaten. An extremely horny cat, he loves to watch pornography.










Thomas Li: However, many of my brother's friends were very disappointed when he said he called his cat........Cat.


Breaking News: He is coming. If you think He is down and out, think again. He's coming back with a vengeance. A vengeance that can only be nullified by making music videos and commercials. Coming Soon to theatres near you.


Koh Li Xian: So Thomas, do you call your cat Cat as well?

Thomas Li: To be honest, Cat is only my cat's last name.

Koh Li Xian: Oh! How interesting. So what is his first name then?

Thomas Li: Depending on the situation, the first name will change.

Thomas Li: If the cat is naughty, we will call him naughty cat.

Thomas Li: If he is obedient, we will call him obedient cat.


On this fulmination, thank you for tuning in to The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. For those audiences who have been eagerly awaiting the final act of The Legend of Li Xian, please stay tuned to the show as the next special edition episode is coming soon. Special thanks to Thomas and Cat, until next time, Good Night.

Episode 13: The Shittiest Episode Ever.

Welcome to episode 13 of the Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Today we have a special guest who should have been on the show long time ago. The long wait is finally over...as we welcome your best music video director....Mr. Tan Weiheng. Having known each other for more than a decade, he has been touted as the most childish man alive. At a mature age of 23, he still superimpose people's faces on other people's bodies. Cannot be bothered to find part time jobs to gain work experience, he spends his free time watch discovery channel, simpsons and futurama at home. Giving him massive respect, he defied all obstacles by strong forces around him, and went to put on dreadlocks while working for his dad's company (which includes meeting clients). Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...Mr. Tan Weiheng.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show. You have to be prepared as we will be engaging in one of the most shittiest conversations ever.

Tan Weiheng: Yeeaaahhh.

Koh Li Xian: This is currently my favourite photo. Look at the shit. It looks so fresh. Even I am jealous i cannot produce such a beauty myself. By looking at the photo, I dare say, the creator of this shit.........must have a really good digestive system. I love this photo.


Tan Weiheng: Haha, that is so crazy. I dare you to take photo of your own shit.

Koh Li Xian: Mr. Tan Weiheng, don't make me do it. You know I dare to.

Tan Weiheng: Hahaha, I never doubt you. I trust you will.

Koh Li Xian: But even if I were to take the photos, no one will wanna help me do editing and photoshop it.

Koh Li Xian: Unless...........You will.

Tan Weiheng: Hahahhaha, that will need alot of courage.

Koh Li Xian: Consider it, I will reward you well.

Koh Li Xian: I will reward you with.........very fresh pics of my shit, I make sure I eat alot of fried chicken and expired milk.

Tan Weiheng: Hahaha, keep it warm man.

Koh Li Xian: So do you want me to shit on sand? or in the toilet bowl? But admittely if I shit in the toilet bowl, the shit will look more soggy.

Tan Weiheng: Maybe the Kitty Litter, that one will work well.

Koh Li Xian: What is that?

Tan Weiheng: The pets use it...there is sand in there.

Koh Li Xian: Ohhh I see...sounds nice.

Tan Weiheng: Hahaha, hey you are not serious right?

Koh Li Xian: If you can get for me, I will do it.

Tan Weiheng: Hahaha, that's too much.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show. I also hope I have made your appetite just a little better for the day as well. Stay tuned to the next episode of the Talk Cock Show, as I unravel more interesting conversations that your beloved host has had recently. Good Night.

Special Edition: The Legend of Li Xian

Welcome to an exclusively special episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. It has brought to my attention that a 1963 Hong Kong film was made about me even before I was born. A truly amazing fact that has caught me by surprise. As the website did not tell the storyline of the movie, I believe it is my utmost responsibility to make sure the worldwide audience know what the movie is about. So here it is, a Cheung Wai-Kwong film, multi award winning production that has somehow lost its way into the 21st century. I present to you........The Legend Of Li Xian.

http://www.dianying.com/en/title/13619

The Legend Of Li Xian

During the 1950s, there was a man named Koh Li Xian (acted by KWAN Hoi-San) who has lived on top of the roof for his past 20 years. He feeds on the smoke coming out of the chimney whenever his neighbours are cooking. As he inhales more smoke, he gets more tan. And he likes it. BUT. Little did he know that by inhaling so much smoke, he gradually becomes stronger and stronger. He developed an uncanny supernatural power….which is….to have any supernatural power that he wants.

One day as he decided to go downtown to look for some chimneys, he bumped into a squirrel (acted by LEUNG Sing-Bo). The squirrel looked at Li Xian and Li Xian asked the squirrel, “Hey squirrel! How are you today? Let me ask you something, how do you communicate with your fellow squirrels?” The squirrel hesitated for a while and ran away. Li Xian continued his journey to the city as he started to feel alittle hungry.

“No!!! This is too shocking!!!” Li Xian heard. A woman’s voice from afar caught his attention and he realized it’s best to keep up with the latest gossips. As he went towards to voice, he got a shock of his life. “Why are you so afraid? Why are you looking so shocked? “Because you seem shocked, you gave me the shock of my life as well.” He said. The woman (acted by TENG Pi-yun) replied “Because I saw the “shock” on the signboard near the electrical engine room that says “Electric Shock”, I got a shock when the word “Shock” shocked me. It was simply shocking. I’m shocked that you are shocked as well.” Li Xian felt relieved and carried on his journey.

Li Xian finally reached the city, but he could not believe his eyes. The city was in ruins. A city in dire state. The city has nothing left. The only thing left behind was something that is called…..Nothing. He walked and walked…at the corner of Sesame Street, he found a bowl of sesame paste that had some peanuts on top of it. He felt really hungry….he held the bowl, looked at it and said, “Gosh it looks so black, and it’s making me hungry. I better go search for some really black smoke. I’m sure there are still some burning ruins around.” He put the bowl down gently and searched around. As he is about to reach the end of the city, he found a CD. A CD is the city! He rushed to an electrical shop and played it on a CD player. “If you are listening to this CD now, you are the Chosen One. You need to save the city from the powers of evil. In order to save the city, you must know how to save. Every penny counts. A little goes a long way….” After hearing, Li Xian starts to feel passionate. He felt like he needed to do something for the city to prevent the already destroyed city from the powers of evil. “What should I do? How do I save the city? I have no money with me now.” He wondered. Just as he is about to despair, he saw a figure walking towards him. Being short-sighted, Li Xian could not see very clearly. To make things worse, the black smoke he has been breathing all his life made him really tanned, making others more difficult to see him.

Who is the mystery person? How is he related to the destroyed city? Can the mystery man see Li Xian? Is Li Xian still as hungry before he found the CD? Is the mystery man hungry too? To find out, stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. The continuation of the box-office blockbuster film of the 1960s, The Legend of Li Xian. Don’t miss it.

Episode 12

Welcome to Episode 12 of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Recently I caught up with former special guest, Jess Fu, in regards to some issues about night life and the 21st century's creation of the hiphop generation. Venues, parties, culture and even politics over the years have showed the importance of the hiphop culture. Thefore, no surprises that your host has come across problems in regards to such a popular genre. Please welcome Jess Fu, as we talked about the hiphop generation in closer details.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show Jess, it's wonderful to have you back again. Oh by the way, later we will be attending a party organized by the Singapore and HongKong societies. There is a also a dress code, and we supposedly need to wear hiphop.

Jess: Huh? Hiphop? Earrings can or not? Got blinks...hiphop already.

Koh Li Xian: Don't worry, no issue at all. I'm sure it doesn't matter.

Jess: Why not you wear as well? When the bouncer stop us, we just give him attitude and say, "Can't you see our blings?"

Koh Li Xian: Don't worry, I have a good idea. If he stop us from going in because we did not dress hiphop enough, we will just put our hands on our hips, and we start hopping.


Koh Li Xian: After the break, I will share with you audiences a very extraordinary experience recently.

Breaking News: Did you know that 5% of the world's population has Genghis Khan's blood?

Welcome back to the show. The next segment I wish to talk about something that has happened to me recently that was simply unforgettable.

Koh Li Xian: Jess, do you know who I saw just before the show? You will never guess who is it and you will be absolutely amazed.

Jess: Really? Who is it?

Koh Li Xian: I was on the streets before coming into the studio. As I was walking, I bumped into someone. I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked at the person.

Jess: Wow...must be someone famous and respectable. So who is it?

Koh Li Xian: You won't believe who I saw....................I saw...........a stranger. Oh my god, you have NO idea how strange the stranger was.


On this consternation, thank you for attending the show. Please tune in to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Before you go, please remember that if you want Indian food really quickly........it's called Curry in a Hurry. Good Night.

Special Edition: Moments of Brilliance

This Special Episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian contains 4 of the most brilliant jokes that your beloved host, Koh Li Xian, has created, conversed............and edited.



Koh Li Xian: what happened to you? How come you are having a stomachache all of a sudden?

Liane: I think it was the smoked salmon I ate just now. It's been in the fridge for some time so i guess that's the problem.

Koh Li Xian: No, I don't think that is the problem. I think your salmon smoked too much already.




Joke of the Week 1:

Bear went into a pub, bear said to the deer.

May I please…………..have a beer?

And the deer said, “ why the big paws?”

Joke of the Week 2:

Customer: All right! Time to win some money!

Bouncer: Im sorry, minors are not allowed on the casino floor.

Customer: Im not a miner you dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hands?

Jess: I'm craving for Mee Siam now. It's been a long time since I had it.

Koh Li Xian: Do you know that Siamese people make the best Mee Siam?

Ladies and Gentlemen, life is too short to be serious. If you think you can live a long life, be an energizer battery.

Episode 11

Welcome to Episode 11 of The Talk Cock Show. Today we welcome Faiz, previously featured on the show with his cousin Dead Lee, is back to share with you audience, a very interesting fact. The Arab Jamaican-wannabe who spends most of his time in the gym has recently shaved bald and showed off to his fellow friends of his perfect 30/30 Finance essay. Operation Fornification under the a.k.a, also known as, Spartan King Leopold, has seemingly failed during the Easter Holidays, but we still give him a round of applause for his bravery and courage.


Koh Li Xian: In army, the sergeant loves to say,"You think you who? your father owns the army ah?" And I always wish I had the chance to say,"No, sergeant. My father doesn't own the army. My neighbour does. I call him brother nathan."

Faiz: Brother nathan? Is he a priest?

Koh Li Xian: Seriously, you know that sr nathan is my neighbour right?

Koh Li Xian: The cute little indian.

Faiz: SR Nathan? The president? Yah yah I know. And Lee Hsien Long's albino son lives at block 108 behind my house there.

Koh Li Xian: Why does he live in a hdb flat? He should be rich enough to stay in Orchard Road.

Faiz: Walau, as if Orchard Road don't have enough white freaks as it is.

Koh Li Xian: But why doesn't he live with his father as well? At least he should be living in a bungalow.

Faiz: Because he is adopted. You don't know meh? Lee Hsien Long's son is actually the bastard child of Santa Claus.

Koh Li Xian: Even if he is adopted, why can't an adopted son stay with his father?

Faiz: Because Lee Hsien Long is a taoist and doesn't celebrate Christmas.

Koh Li Xian: Do you know I REALLY have SR Nathan as my neighbour?

Ladies and Gentleman, Faiz has always been the pillar to your host's success. He has never stop encouraging me creating very intelligent jokes and motivates me to speak with sense. You have not seen the end of the Arab who claims himself as the Spartan King. On this stupefaction, tune in to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show.

Special Request: Car Weapon Story

As requested, This is the Car Weapon Story that happened in early February 2007. This is the exact re-enactment of what was said on that very day.

Koh Li Xian: On the night where we were at the pub drinking, I received a call from my sister. She told me to be very careful when I head home that night. "Please be very careful okay? When i was on my way home, there were 2 mysterious characters hiding behind the bushes near our house. When the police car came patrolling, they immediately ran away and hid somewhere else around the area. I will be calling the police to make sure they do more patrolling during the night." said Miss Koh. When I got home, I looked around very carefully to make sure no one was following me. I quickly drove the car into the car park and got home safely.

Thomas Li: I'm glad you are safe home. You probably might wanna carry a weapon or something along with you that night just in case they come and attack you.

Koh Li Xian: Don't worry I got that covered. I always bring along a photograph of myself with me. In the case whereby I get attacked, I will just take out my photo and give it to him. Upon seeing the photo, I am sure he will say....

Madman Attacker: Gosh, what have I done? I'm very disappointed with myself.......I almost killed such a handsome man! All the girls in the world would have hated me and blame me for something I was about to do! I am too ashamed to face the world. I shall now let you off. Don't ever let me see you again!

Thomas Li: I am lost for words. I don't know how to comment anymore.

Episode 10

Welcome to episode 10 of The Talk Cock Show. Tonight we have 3 guests on the show as they share with us a very unique conversation with your beloved host himself. I shall now introduce one of the 3 guests today. Jess, former Singapore water polo champion, weighing in at 100 pounds and five foot high. You think he is a midget but you have no idea how huge his ambition is. Which is why you will never be able to find him in the Midst of a Getaway. Same as Thomas Li, he has minimal personality and builds on his huge reputation by imitating others. Half Thai Half Fish, his gracefulness in the waters cannot withstand the spiciness of the Thai Green Curry. A REAL financial wizard unlike the self proclaimed financial wizard Andy Chor, he has an uncanny reputation of eating cherries. Nonetheless, he has established himself as a true hero amongst many....that is of his height. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Jess, Jasmine and Derrick.


Event 1
Koh Li Xian: Did you see the large crowd outside the Wilson building that day? I wonder what was going on.

Jess: I think it was a career fair for the Melbourne Uni students.

Koh Li Xian: The career fair......is really not fair. Too biased already. I don't like fair complexion actually, I prefer darker skin colour.


Event 2
Koh Li Xian: As I have been busy with recent events, please update me on the latest news in the Taiwan entertainment media.

Jasmine: Recently, Singapore singer Stefanie Sun went to Egypt to film her latest music video, but ended up being blackmailed by the locals there.

Koh Li Xian: What exactly happened?

Jasmine: Apparently the locals there made her pay ridiculous amount of money to shoot the scenes at the various places.

Koh Li Xian: I see. So was the envelope she received black in colour?


Event 3
Koh Li Xian: I have been watching my diet recently and I am really craving for some junk food now!

Derrick: You can go and buy some MacDonald's now if you want.

Koh Li Xian: I think I have to give it a miss. It is far too unhealthy and fattening.

Derrick: But how are you going to ease your crave then?

Koh Li Xian: I think I will go to my rubbish bin later to search to see if there is any.



On this quiver, it's time to end the show. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Good Night.

Special Edition: Classic Jokes from the Late 20th Century

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight is a special tribute segment whereby we commemorate the memorable moments of life in Tanjong Katong Secondary School 1996-2000. There were countless number of jokes and unforgettable events created by members of the class of 1J, 2J, 3G, 4G, 3E and 4E. I, Koh Li Xian, thank all those who have created jokes and stupid acts that have left myself laughing his ass of most of the time. The big red machine, Kelvin Tng, God of Gamblers, Tan Liangji, Indonesian Fatty, Ferryanto, to the insane church-burning misfit, Kelvin Teo and Self Proclaimed Most Eligible Bachelor, Andy Chor are just a few names that created havoc that rocked the whole school, resulting in being named the outcasts by the principal. To pay tribute to these heroes, I shall share with you some of the greatest moments from 1996-2000.


Story 1:
Gambling in the classroom when the classes are about to go on an excursion trip. Everyone was careful and made sure nothing went wrong. Melvin was sent as a messenger to make sure no one gets caught. If there were to be any teacher who is about to walk by, he would whistle like a bird to send a signal that someone's coming. Just when the crowd was having the time of their lives on the gambling table, the discipline master was heading towards the classrooms. Melvin immediately did what he was told, and started whistling like a bird. BUT, his whistles imitating the chirping of the bird was so real that no one actually noticed it. "Well Done Boys...well done. Now all of you stand up, give me your id or buspass and stand in one line......NOW !!!!!!!!!!!" In the end Mark, Liangji and someone else were made scapegoats so they could not go to the Bukit Timah Reserve for excursion.


Story 2:
Kelvin Tng: During our O levels' history paper, we are supposed to write a short essay on how far this particular character went in order to achieve his objectives.

Koh Li Xian: So what did you write down in your answer booklet?

Kelvin Tng: 1km.



Story 3:
Teacher: Good Morning Class. Did everyone bring their workbook today? Those who did not bring please step out and stand outside the class.

Everyone brought the book except Director Tan, winner of best director award for music videos such as "Yeah Qu" and "Huo Yuan Jia", was the only one who did not bring the workbook and was forced to stand outside the class. Just when the teacher was busy focusing on writing her information on the whiteboard, Director Tan signalled his friend to pass him a water bottle. Much to his friend's bewilderment, he passed Director Tan the bottle. He took a big mouthful of water and threw the bottle back to his friend without the teacher noticing. Suddenly, Director Tan vomited out the water in dramatic fashion!! In order to get the teacher's attention, his friend shouted, "Teacher teacher, Weiheng just vomitted!!" The teacher immediately went to the aid to Director Tan.

Teacher: Are you okay, Weiheng? Come, go back to your seat and rest.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed and appreciate the classic moments of the class graduates of TKSS of 2000. The next episode will be back to normal schedules, with all your favourite jokes from your very own host. Until next time, good night.

Episode 9

Welcome to Episode 9 of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Today marks an important episode as Mark Teo is on our show. A former special guest that needed no introduction. Just before the show, we had a good meal at a nearby coffeeplace where we had chilli noodles and mayonnaise fried fritters. As usual his lips was surrounded by oily chilli stains and spots of white mayonnaise, looking ever so sloppy.


(TNA Wrestler: Abyss)




Mark Teo: Wow! This TNA wrestler looks like the wrestler from WWE, Kane. Is he Kane???

Koh Li Xian: No, He is Kane's cousin, Sugar Cane.

Breaking News: Wai Kitty won the 2007 Annual Chinese New Year Gambling Competition by banking a massive 300 dollars in barely a few hours, leaving many other competitors high and dry with heads held low. Back to you, Mr. Koh.



Koh Li Xian: Thank you News Headlines. Hey Mark, I will be going to the temple for a while. Do wait for me for a while.

Mark Teo: Why are you bringing money with you? Go temple need entrance fee?

Koh Li Xian: No, it's for donation. Actually, not anyone can go into the temple. Only people with membership card is allowed into the temple. Any products bought in the temple have 20% discount.

Mark Teo: I see. So temple inside got cell group or not?


Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed the show tonight. I thank Mr. Mark Teo for providing valuable opinions about Buddhism and I hope it has enlightened many of you audiences in order to reach nirvana. Until next time, Thank You for watching. Good Night.

Special Edition: Dreams

Welcome to this very special edition of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. We humans often dream, coloured or black and white, speech or silent. It often comes in the form of a pleasant dream, a nightmare, or even a dream that simply doesn't make sense. According to Cambridge dictionary, a dream is defined as a series of events or images that happen in your mind while you are sleeping. Scientifically proven, it is said that dreams are a collection of thoughts and thinkings that have occured during the day and that the mind reorganizes these thoughts while one is sleeping through dreams. On the other hand, some even say dreams are a form of prophecy that hints/advises one's destiny. Not surprisingly, I am one that gets many dreams in my sleep, more than often two to three dreams in one night, usually it all doesn't make sense. However, recent nights have produced some really creepy nightmare that I happened to be sharing with former special guest Andy Chor.

Koh Li Xian: Recently I've been having weird dreams which are pretty frightening. I had a dream about being brought back to my secondary school whereby the principal brought all the students into the school hall. She then shut down all exits, followed by an evil laughter. Then came a slimy gluey red monster and it started eating up the students. More and more of such monsters came and soon most of the students were eaten up. I was panicking, wondering what i should do. Until I thought, "this is ridiculous. How can such a thing be happening? must have been a dream...." And then I woke up.

Koh Li Xian: After I woke up, I went back to sleep immediately. This time round I had another dream. I felt like I was in somewhere in Malaysia but the area I was in is called Loyang. There were many food outlets over there but the place was relatively dirty. BUT, it has always been the case where the best delicacy is found in the dirtiest places. Me and my friends were roaming around until we arrived at one place where it was exactly like a school hall and it was selling seafood. The queue was unbelievable long and I could not believe my eyes.

Andy Chor: So what happened next?

Koh Li Xian: Then I woke up.

TV commercial: Rain is coming soon to a youtube near you. Stay tuned.

Earlier on the show, I have mentioned some dreams that I have had recently. Now, we look at what kind of dreams Andy Chor has had of late.

Koh Li Xian: So Mr. Chor, what dream did you have last night?

Andy Chor: Yeah, last night I had a dream. I was actually at Buckingham Palace meeting the Queen. Upon seeing her, I knelt down and greeted her by kissing her hand.

Andy Chor: However, the Queen said my kissing method was wrong. She then taught me the right method, but I kept doing it wrongly.

Koh Li Xian: So what happened since you keep doing it wrongly?

Andy Chor: I just kept kissing and kissing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, some people say follow your dreams and desire. Keep dreaming since it is free. Dreams are my reality. Student-eating monsters, eating at Loyang and multiple kisses to the Queen? The USA Basketball Team is called the Dream Team. Michael Jordan went to kopitiam order fried kuey teow. Stay tuned to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian as I dig out funniest incidents happened during my secondary school days. Until next time, Happy Valentine's Day.

Episode 8: Part II

Welcome back to part 2 of Episode 8 on The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Previously on The Talk Cock Show, Mr. Andy Chor has spoken much about his way of speech and thoughts about the society. Tonight, we shall find about more about his personal habits, in search of what kind of person Mr. Andy Chor is.

Koh Li Xian: Recently my sister and my father has problems with their teeth and have been spending large sum of money to ease their pain. This shows how important our teeth is and the necessity to keep it clean on a regular basis.

Thomas Li: Yeah, thus it is important to brush our teeth every night so as to remove any form of bad bacteria overnight.

Andy Chor: Naahhhh. I don't brush my teeth at night when I was in secondary school.

Koh Li Xian: You've got to be kidding me! That's very unethical! But i guess it's all right if you still brush your teeth in your morning.

Andy Chor: Naaahhh. I don't really brush my teeth in the morning too.

Koh Li Xian: Then do you even brush your teeth in the first place?

Andy Chor: Depends on my mood.

After going through deep detailed analysis by renowned scientists around the Katong area, chances are he probably does brush his teeth now every morning, but definitely not before going to sleep. He is the Most Eligible Bachelor? I'd take some points off due to his personal hygiene.

Breaking News: According to reports from Kuala Lumpur, Mr. Andy Chor was found guilty of admiring girls just because they have huge boobs. He was also caught buying condoms which he found it difficult a chance to use....for that night. Nevertheless, our news broadcaster team, consists of Thomas Li and Koh Li Xian, decided to give him full credit for his bravery and courage.

Welcome back to The Talk Cock Show.

Koh Li Xian: So Mr. Chor, tell me more about yourself.

Andy Chor: I'm actually a very high profile person, even when i was in Serangoon Junior College for 3 months.

Koh Li Xian: Erm, quite frankly i don't think you are. I've been there for 2 years but, I haven't heard your name mentioned before.

Andy Chor: Cannot be. I'm very sure alot of people know me there. Even in Temasek Polytechnic, I was a very high profile person (gives a very straight, no-nonsense face). Don't believe you can ask Weiheng (a common friend of ours). His friends in the school knew who i was.

Koh Li Xian: Yes, they might know who you are, but that does not justify that you are a well known figure in school as his group of friends are just a few names out of many students in the school.

Andy Chor: Don't believe you can ask Weiheng's friends' friends. I'm very sure they know me. (Once again giving a very straight face, did not show any signs of what was said was meant to be a joke).

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Most Eligible Bachelor indeed has hit the town. Smart, tactical, unhygienic and full of confidence of himself. This man is truly an extraordinary individual. I wish him all the best in Sydney, and hope he will get to hook up with many Australian girls, a goal which he is trying to achieve. I hope you have enjoyed the show. Until next time, I'm Koh Li Xian. Good Night.

Episode 8

Welcome to Episode 8 of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian. Today we welcome a highly anticipated guest. He needs no introduction. He abruptly interrupted my show previously but with all due respect, he certainly is a league of his own. His infamous tactics of wooing girls have literally taken the world by storm. playing a special request CD in a taxi, flowers for the girl in front of her family members, telling a girl he will be busy and no time for her the whole of next week when she just asked him for someone else's phone number are just namely a few examples of his classic works. The self proclaimed MEB (Most Eligible Bachelor) also have other nicknames such as The Salvation Dog, Ba Chor (minced meat), The Financial Wizard, The Pig etc. Looking back at those names, they are mostly linked with meat. From my personal opinion, he really really suits becoming a butcher, holding a chopper with some blood stains on his apron. With very limited vocabulary, one can hear him say "you dog!" or "shut up!" more than the total number of times he breathe. A former graduate from the British Council who requires speech therapy during his army days as his fellow colleagues have trouble understanding him. Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together and welcome, Mr. Andy Chor Binghoe.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome to the show, Mr. Chor.

Andy Chor: Shut up, you dog!

Koh Li Xian: So tell me what have you been up to recently?

Andy Chor: Reading the news. Have you been readings the news? Singapore is facing a dual economy.

Koh Li Xian: Really? Why?

Andy Chor: Because the segment serving the global market is expanding tremendously, where else the segment serving the domestic market is maintaining.

Koh Li Xian: The Financial Wizard has finally spoken.

Andy Chor: So if you are finding work, find company which the serve the global market (same exact words used). They might raise your pay more. The pay have not increased in the past 5 years in the middle income group, meaning a widening gap between the rich and the middle class, which most Singaporeans are in.

Koh Li Xian: So what are you going to do about this issue?

Andy Chor: Well, I am going to leave the dual economy and go to Australia and hide.


After the break, we will continue our interview with Mr. Andy Chor in regards to political issues.

Breaking News: The Singapore Armed Forces has imposed a new law on making a soldier go for extra fitness training sessions due to the fact that he is studying overseas and did not attend his fitness test, when the fact of matter is he need not go for any form of fitness test in the first place. With valid grounds on overseas education, the very highly ranked yet brainless officer told him that he will need to book for extra training sessions and then call his unit that he need not attend these sessions because he is abroad. That's something I call Balls Scratch Scratches Balls.

Koh Li Xian: Welcome back to the show. Mr. Andy Chor, let's talk about politics.

Andy Chor: Have you read about the article on Saddam Hussein's execution? What do you think about it?

Koh Li Xian: I think it's very upsetting because it is very Sad. Damn, It's Saddam.

Andy Chor: You Dog! I'm talking about Saddam Hussein.

Koh Li Xian: Damn, Why is it so saddening? Because it is Saddam.

Andy Chor: Same joke...

Koh Li Xian: Okay. Tell me Who is Sane?

Koh Li Xian: Hussein.

I hope you have enjoyed tonight's show. Please tune in to the next episode of The Talk Cock Show with Koh Li Xian as we look to find out more about Andy Chor Bing Hoe. Until then, I'm Koh Li Xian. Happy Holidays.